Q & A

Suspicious Husband,Trivialized Wife and Helping Friends in Crisis

Jay Kesler

Average Rating: Not rated

[0 Comment]

There are no previous pages

1 of 3

Q: Ever since a new man joined my wife's company, she has been dressing up a lot more for work. I used to ask her to wear certain outfits that I really like, but she always said it was too much trouble. Now she often wears those outfits to work, and she has been spending more money on clothes and her hair than she used to. Am I wrong to suspect she's trying to attract the attention of this man at work?

A: Don't be too quick to jump to conclusions. Your wife's renewed interest in her appearance could be attributable to any number of reasons. Maybe she's just now realizing how important her appearance is to you. Or perhaps a comment at work sent signals that she needed to take better care of her appearance. Or it could have been something as simple as looking around at a professional conference and realizing her clothes and make-up weren't up to standard.

Your suspicions may have more to do with your own inner conflicts than with your wife's behavior. Maybe, without realizing it, you feel insecure about her role in the business world. If that's the case, any hidden anxieties would feel more threatening as your wife begins to look more successful.

I don't recommend mentioning your doubts to your wife. Instead, tell her you appreciate the greater care she is taking with her appearance. Then start paying more attention to her. Compliment her; tell her you value her accomplishments; and give her the kind of affirmation we all need from our spouses.

When a married person becomes interested in a coworker, it's generally not as much about sexuality as it is a hunger for attention. Combat your suspicions by actively loving your wife. Your renewed attentiveness could turn her attention to you in positive ways that would ally your fears and reinforce mutual commitment.

Q: My husband watches way too much television—sports, sitcoms, cop shows or whatever happens to be on. Meanwhile, I'm left to carry the emotional load of parenting and managing our home. I've talked to him about this problem again and again, but I fear he's never going to change. I feel pushed aside and trivialized. If I'm going to be emotionally divorced, why shouldn't I be legally divorced?

A: Obviously, since you've stayed in your marriage to this point you know there are many good reasons why you should not be "legally divorced"—among them the fact that your marriage affects many people other than yourself and that divorce is far more devastating than our society likes to acknowledge. I hope you will put away even toying with such a dangerous idea.

Although you're frustrated with your husband's unresponsiveness, I encourage you to try again. Pick a time when the TV's off and the two of you are sharing some good feelings, perhaps right after you've enjoyed a special evening out or a time of sexual intimacy. When you broach the subject, tell him right up front that it's not about TV so much as it is about loneliness. Your word "trivialized" captures your feeling of emotional separation very well.

next page... |

There are no previous pages

1 of 3

Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1996, Fall

More from Jay Kesler :
Kyria.com | Books

Join the Kyria.com Community!

Become a member to have access to the following:

Full access to the bimonthly Kyria digizine, each issue focusing on a spiritual discipline or theme
50 percent discount on all of the downloadable resources in the Kyria Store
Hundreds of members-only articles for thoughtful, influential women