How to Be Happy in an Unhappy Marriage
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After two failed marriages, Janice decided to try one more time for the relationship she dreamed of. Yet, just one year later, her marriage to Hank was crumbling. Defeated and confused, Janice cried out to God for some answers. "In that moment," she says, "I began to realize that there is no perpetual honeymoon to any marriage. Sometimes it's just plain hard work. It was then and there that God told me I could not depend on my husband to make me happy, I would only find my true happiness in God."
Even as Christians, many of us have grown up with unrealistic expectations of marriage. Hollywood and Harlequin have taught us that we must find our perfect match—our soul mates—to be happy. When difficulties occur in our marriage, we may wonder, like Janice did, whether we have found the right person or may even think we have made a terrible mistake. After twenty-six years of marriage and over two decades of counseling couples I have learned that God created marriage to mature us and for us to enjoy, but it was never intended to fulfill us or make us happy.
Marriage is God's great idea, but in every marriage there are seasons of difficulty and times of dryness where one or both partners may feel dissatisfied with the marital relationship. As we work to improve our marriage, sometimes our efforts don't produce the changes we want. During these times, the question we need to ask ourselves is not, "Should I leave my spouse so I can find another person who will make me happy?" but rather, "Can I learn to find contentment and joy while in the midst of an unhappy marriage? And if so, how?"
Change Your Focus
Everyone I know wants to feel good inside but few know the secret to lasting happiness or even what happiness is. Is happiness a feeling of emotional ecstasy? Intense pleasure with life's circumstances? An internal state of well-being or contentment? Happiness can comprise all of these things.
Several years ago my husband surprised me with a beautiful pearl necklace I had admired. I felt really happy—for about three days—until I began longing for some earrings to go with it. We all search for something to fulfill us and make us happy, whether it is people, objects, or positions of status. When we get what we desire, we feel a certain emotion we call happiness. This feeling, however, is always short-lived and, like Solomon with his 700 wives and me with my pearl necklace, we begin longing for the next thing we desire that will bring us more satisfaction.
While on a trip to Walt Disney World, I was struck by the number of cranky youngsters and frustrated parents. My children, like many others, were caught up in the excitement and wanted everything they saw. They felt elated whenever they got what they wanted but their happiness didn't last. When the next thing they desired was denied, the thrill they felt just minutes before quickly deteriorated and they became miserable.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2002, Spring
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HangingInThere
I thought the article was actually good and contains a lot of truth, although I accidentally touched the wrong star--it should be a three star rating from me. I do agree with Nicey, though. I found very early in my marriage, that I needed to confront my husband about his passiveness and lack of affection. I haven't read the book Boundaries in Marriage, but am definitely going to check it out. I am unhappy in my marriage after only a year. It has been a very difficult year. I struggle almost daily with regret over marrying my husband. The only thing that helps me combat the enemy's words is the Word of the Lord, that is the prophetic Word/s spoken concerning my husband and I before and shortly after we got married. I know God didn't match us to make me happy, but I often wonder if He matched us to make me miserable in an effort to mold His character in me. Not saying that God wanted me miserable, but He certainly knew how I would feel in this marriage. It certainly has humbled me.
God'sWoman
Very insightful article! It clearly touches on how to keep a godly attitude as you work through difficult situations in your marriage. It is character development to remain calm when you want to tell someone off, or to stay kind to your spouse when you think he or she has done you wrong. The world says give it to him, yet Christ has called us to a higher standard. Yes, you should lovingly confront your spouse and whatever it takes to get some help. But the point is to do it all with a godly attitude. In fact, I believe Chrsit wants us to put our needs last, our spouse needs first, and get closer to Him through these trying times. Is it a lot? Yes, it can be! But in comparison to what Christ did for us, if we take on a different perspective, it could be a peace walk. Praying all marriages be blessed by God Almighty to be strong, beautiful, passionate, and loving!
Niecy
The article was way too simplistic and assumes that if you have an unhappy marriage your expectations are too high or you're not working hard enough. Perhaps that's where you are, but for many women, it's very often completely untrue. While you can't expect your spouse to make you "happy", and God can help you find joy in the midst of your pain, sometimes you can't (and shouldn't) just "wait patiently" for things change. If I had read the book "Boundaries in Marriage" years ago it might have changed my miserable marriage of 20 years. Just waiting for things to change and hoping and praying that things will change could be allowing bad behavior to continue. So many women don't confront because they don't want conflict. Be brave. Confront IN LOVE if you are mistreated, for his sake as well as yours. If you're in a bad marriage, read the book. It could change your life.
EveryDayK
As a single person, I appreciate this article very much. Those of us approaching marriage or newly married need the godly counsel of couples who have traveled the road of marriage/family. Thank you for sharing this!
leah
I really think the title to this article needs to be changed. While it is pretty evocative, i feel funny sharing the great content of this article on facebook because i don't want others to think that i feel my marriage is "unhappy". Please CHANGE THE TITLE!!!!
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