Children of Divorce

If your parents' marriage failed and you're worried yours might do the same, here are steps to calm the fears

Karen L. Maudlin

Average Rating: Not rated

[0 Comment]

There are no previous pages

1 of 3

Research has documented the harmful effects on children when their parents divorce. So it's not surprising when some young adults wonder if their marriages are as doomed as their parents'. Do the now-grown children of divorce carry the same seeds of failure that doomed their parents' marriages?

Happily, the answer is no. The assumption that adult children of divorce (ACODs) are destined to make the same mistakes that caused their parents so much marital pain is unfounded. It fails to take into account God's ability to heal us and to help us overcome our past. Young adults who saw their parents divorce often develop strengths and resiliencies that others lack. There are indications that the current generation of young adults, having suffered through their parents' divorces, will work overtime to find ways to avoid a similar fate.

But we also need to acknowledge the significant challenges. In many ways, it is more difficult for ACODs to succeed at marriage. People who grew up in a single-family home, or who watched their parents' marriage disintegrate into emotional estrangement and divorce, find themselves at a disadvantage. They didn't have the opportunity to learn commitment and problem-solving strategies by observing two parents who faithfully practiced those skills. However, while children are harmed by divorce, the effects can be minimized.

To avoid repeating your parents' failures, you need to confront three fears common to ACODs: the fear of failure, the fear of betrayal and the fear of abandonment. By taking a few practical steps you can prevent these fears from damaging your own marriage.

The Fear of Failure

When you grow up witnessing the gradual destruction of your parents' marriage, it's difficult to believe that's not the norm for all couples. Jana* was a 24-year-old woman who had been married only two years when she came in for counseling. She was a talented, attractive fashion designer married to an attentive husband who loved God. Yet Jana came to my office suffering from generalized anxiety about the future of her marriage.

When she was six, Jana's parents divorced. The police had been called to her home many times as a result of her father's drunken rages. Because of her childhood trauma, Jana was plagued by anxiety and worry. In her mind, her adult life was going much too smoothly.

Since her life had been a series of good moments followed by devastating crises, she had come to expect that good things can't last. "I'm just waiting for the next shoe to drop," she told me. While Jana's story is an extreme case, many ACODs share her insecurity about life and the good things it has to offer.

To overcome the fear of failure, take action in two areas:

Trust God's plan for you. "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future'" (Jer. 29:11). Young adults who, as children, were imprinted with the prediction of failure need to grasp the healing power of this promise from God. Memorize this verse and repeat it to yourself when you fear that your marriage, no matter how blessed it is today, is ultimately doomed.

next page... |

There are no previous pages

1 of 3

Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2000, Spring

More from Karen L. Maudlin:
Kyria.com | Books

Join the Kyria.com Community!

Become a member to have access to the following:

Full access to the bimonthly Kyria digizine, each issue focusing on a spiritual discipline or theme
50 percent discount on all of the downloadable resources in the Kyria Store
Hundreds of members-only articles for thoughtful, influential women