We Were Roommates, Not Lovers
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[2 Comments]I was a very disappointed bride on our honeymoon and throughout our first years of marriage. I had a "soap opera" idea of what my wedding night was going to be like. It turned out to be a disappointment. My husband didn't seem comfortable having sex, and I didn't feel like I was a desirable bride on our honeymoon night—or during the rest of our sexless honeymoon.
After our honeymoon, we got into a comfortable routine with each other. We went to work and then came home and went out to play and have fun. We really got along well and were each other's best friend. We had the same interests and goals, enjoyed talking to each other for hours and liked each other's sense of humor. However, when we were in bed, I felt alone and rejected. I couldn't understand why my husband didn't want to have sex with me, except maybe once a week. It was as if we had two marriages. The day marriage was fun, easy, and agreeable, while the nighttime marriage was strained.
My husband's excuse was that he was too tired to have sex. I could tell in his eyes that it hurt him deeply when I would criticize him for not wanting sex. He would reassure me that he loved me and found me attractive; he just didn't know what was wrong with him.
I felt bad for complaining, because in fact, he was every woman's dream of the "sensitive" husband. He would kiss me, though not passionately, hug me, cuddle up to me, whisper sweet words in my ear, send me cards, bring me roses—everything but have sex.
This issue became such an emotionally charged one that it started seeping into our previously "perfect" daytime relationship. So we sought Christian marriage counseling. The counselor said that the way we interacted with each other was kind, fair, and loving. He could not find a root for the problem and started giving us a lot of practical sex advice. We tried it, but it was very strained and fake. To us, the advice was not helpful because our problem was not getting along, but rather my husband's lack of desire and interest in sex.
After four years of marriage, I became pregnant with our first child. I was not in the mood for sex during pregnancy, which really was ideal in our situation, and we spent a happily celibate pregnancy. However, three months after the baby was born, I knew we were in trouble. We had not had sex for almost a year, and the free spirit lifestyle, the crutch that kept us bonded together and happy with our marriage, was gone.
My husband also started experiencing other symptoms besides his lack of libido. He had been a very active guy who loved sports, but now he was very weak. He started losing muscle tone and started putting on some weight. He had so little energy that he would come home from work exhausted and collapse on the couch. I survived in a daze, concentrating on the baby and tiptoeing around my husband, not knowing what to say or how to deal with this new relationship.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2001, Winter
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Anonymous
Same situation except I am the husband and have come to the point the less phyiscal we are the less functionable I am becoming in our marriage , I love my wife but she has no desire for sexual intimacy ---help--
Mona
As I was reading your story, I can totally relate in all the issues that you have with your husband before. I am glad that you were able to fix it together. Rightnow I am on the situation that is like yours before. My problem is how can I tell him. I don't know where to start. We haven't make love for almost 2 months and I'm really worried, I am so down rightnow and puzzled at the same time. I always initiate the process. We are married for only 3 years and I felt he's lacking sexual drive for me. Not much intimacy as well even if we are just alone together, I am feeling that I don't have a husband just a friend. What can I do? Please help me.. =,(
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