Equality Is Ruining Our Marriage
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[0 Comment]Q. We've worked hard to share everything equally as husband and wife. We split household chores and divvy up our money and expenditures. We've been married a little over a year now, and our fifty-fifty plan causes more problems than pleasure. Any suggestions?
Dana B., Buffalo, New York
A. Scorekeeping is for athletic contests not marriages. Like you, many couples decide that marriage should be a fifty-fifty proposition, and they fall into the habit of tallying up each other's contributions. They split resources and count privileges. They erroneously believe that keeping track of who gets what, does what, and has what can help them achieve a more equal share in the costs and the benefits of running a home.
The truth is that scorekeeping destroys emotional intimacy because it is a subtle way of drawing marital battle lines. Instead of making you equal in all things, you may decide at the outset to have a fifty-fifty marriage because you want to be equal in all things. You will end up unhappy marital accountants who are more concerned that you haven't gotten ripped off than that your marriage is growing.
Regardless of how it gets started, scorekeeping in marriage generally isn't just a division of labor; it's about power, feeling loved and appreciated, and other emotional issues. Both partners eventually feel that they are getting cheated out of their presumed rights for their portions, their privileges. It's far better to give one another the benefit of the doubt and talk about what you feel and need. If you feel like your spouse is spending more money on clothes than you are, talk about it. There may be a pretty good reason for that expense. And if there isn't, your discussion can serve as the impetus for reigning it in. The point is that you can build a happier marriage by putting away your score card and talking about your feelings and needs.
Q. Why Can't I Tell My Friends About Our Fight?
When my husband and I have a fight, I sometimes talk to one of my girlfriends about it. This makes him even more upset. I can see how he might feel betrayed if I was doing it to hurt him, but I'm not. He thinks it's still wrong. Is it?
Jo V., Muskegon, Michigan
A. One of the biggest mistakes we see newly married couples making has to do with talking to others about their partner's flaws and foibles. Few things will sabotage your capacity to be a team more severely than this. Your telling a friend about last night's fight may seem relatively harmless, but it can actually hurt your marriage.
Loyalty is built on being true. It is built on earning another's confidence. When you become a telltale spouse, you lose loyalty. You fracture any confidence your spouse has in you. Are we saying never talk to others about your marriage or your partner? Absolutely not. But we are saying watch what you say.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2000, Fall
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