Confessions of a Former Perfectionist
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One evening when I returned home from shopping, my husband, Larry, met me at the door, grinning. What's he up to? I wondered.
He led me into the kitchen and announced, "I did the dishes for you!"
As I hugged him and exclaimed, "Thank you!" I looked over his shoulder and noticed crumbs and drops of liquid on the counter.
But you haven't wiped the counter, I thought. You haven't finished the dishes! Before I could chastise him, I remembered how my struggles with perfectionism and impatience robbed me of enjoying and appreciating my wonderful husband. I thanked him again, determined not to allow his "mistakes" to bother me.
The next evening Larry did the dishes again. I realized he wouldn't have washed them a second time if I'd criticized him the day before. I witnessed again the power of affirming his attempts—even if they didn't meet my expectations.
Someone once said that a perfectionist is a person who takes great pains and passes them on to others. I would have given my husband a great pain that evening if I'd discounted his effort. Yet that's exactly what perfectionism does: It brings pain and destruction to our lives and marriages.
Throughout the first seven years of our marriage I struggled with perfectionist tendencies. Nothing Larry did was good enough. He wasn't a good enough provider—even though he worked two jobs to support our family while I stayed home with the kids. He didn't talk enough to me; he didn't help properly with the housework; he wasn't as concerned about my desires and expectations as I was. The list went on and on. My standards were set so high that Larry couldn't win—ever. Since Larry didn't meet all my needs, I believed I couldn't give him credit when he showed me love. Instead I focused on his inadequacies. No matter how Larry tried to please me, I found fault and pointed out his shortcomings to "motivate" him. I "punished" him with my displeasure by withholding sex, affection, joy.
My demands and impatience were destroying my marriage! Larry began to work more overtime, and when he was home, he tuned me out by reading or watching TV. My sense of failed expectations became so bad that I felt I didn't even love him anymore!
Then one day during my devotions, God opened my eyes to what I was doing. My behavior wasn't getting me what I wanted. So why was I continuing it? I'd thought, When Larry changes and meets my needs, then I can be joyful and content. But I realized he might never change! God wanted me to be joyful and content regardless.
From that day on I worked to reverse my attitude, become more patient, and strengthen our relationship by putting these four ideas into practice.
It's okay to give yourself a break.
I realized I couldn't give Larry a break, because I couldn't give myself one. Perfectionism can be called a kind of "dys-grace" or "ungrace" because it's the opposite of grace. Perfectionism says, I need to earn approval, while grace offers approval as a free gift.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2005, Fall, Page 47
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Average User Rating:
Holly
WOW! This really opened my eyes....for I was doing the same things....er, umm... I STILL AM doing the same things in my marriage......and it is suffering terribly~ I shall pray to Our Lord for guidance and take the advice here. Life is too short to waste it in non-loving behavior.
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