Married … with Parents
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Tears raced down my face as my husband, Rob, and I passed snow-covered fields along the Colorado highway on our way back home from a holiday visit with my parents. If anyone had told me when I was single that marriage would contain moments like this, I wouldn't have believed her.
"I don't know what's gotten into me, Rob," I said between sobs to my husband of seven months. "I've never cried like this before after leaving Mom and Dad's."
I'd been dry-eyed earlier that morning when we'd shared good-bye hugs with my family. Then, Rob had suggested I stay with my folks an extra week. He could drive home alone, and I could ride back to our home in Missouri with my brother, who'd caravaned out with us for the holiday but planned to stay a few days longer.
In a burst of gratitude, I hugged Rob. With a 12-hour drive between home-with-Rob in Missouri and home-with-Mom-and-Dad in Colorado, I knew we couldn't afford another visit to my folks until next Christmas.
Just as quickly as my excitement came, it died away. The image of Rob traveling alone to a silent house while I enjoyed the close friendship of my family troubled me. I felt as though I'd be deserting Rob. I knew I was making more of the situation than it deserved, but I realized I was setting a precedent as to where my allegiance would lie.
A verse I'd heard often at weddings leapt to mind: "For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife" (Mark 10:7, KJV). Silently I added, And a woman shall leave her father and mother, and cleave to her husband. All at once, I knew that leaving had been one of the hardest parts of cleaving.
"Homesick" is a word we usually associate with the feelings we experienced at summer camp or those first few weeks of college—not at a fifth wedding anniversary or the birth of a child. Yet even years after our wedding day, many of us are broadsided at the most unsuspecting moments with a longing for our parents and the comfortable life patterns of childhood.
But this emotion isn't necessarily bad. It's often an expression of our heart's expanding ability to love. Over the three years Rob and I have been married, I've learned to handle feeling homesick with these basic strategies:
Talk it out. One of the most difficult moments of my marriage was right after our wedding. As Rob and I dashed to the car, I caught a glimpse of Mom and Dad in the crowd. Suddenly I felt as though I was walking away from 27 years of the most unconditional love I'd ever known. Pulling out of the parking lot and into our new life, I was overwhelmed with sadness.
Moving across the country from your parents or bonding with your spouse can stir up natural feelings of grief, loss, or even guilt. The accompanying ache of homesickness is a reflection of a longing for things to return to the way they were.
Originally published in: Today's Christian Woman, 2000, November/December, Vol. 22, Issue 6, Page 90
Related Topics:
Communication, Compromise, Guilt, Marriage, Parents, Sadness, Spouse
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Annie
I feel homesick mainly during illness. I find it difficult to appreciate that my husband's silence is actually his way of helping me recover.
Grandma C
Kudos for doing the right thing, even though it was painful. You are building a good marriage with that choice. The best thing that ever happened in our marriage was when we were forced to make our own traditions.
anon2
I don't struggle with this, ever. I mourn what might have been instead and wish I had a place that made me feel so welcome and loved. I am hoping to give my children a home life that makes them feel this way. I know my parents love me in their own way though.
Anonymous
I am commenting because it looks as if most of these ladies have felt they need to do all the changing and giving up. There should be a sharing on both husband and wife in this matter. For one reason, most men do not have homesickness. They make change much easier than women. If either one husband or wife has to do all the changing it not last over the long haul. It would be good to have some of this understanding about family before marriage.
Sharon
Hi, I'm from India. Though my parents and my husband and I live in the same city (Mumbai), visiting my parents home as often as I would like to is not easy with all the planning involved. As a result it does leave me feeling "homesick" a lot of the times, and worried and guilty too. Adjustments have to be made and after 4 years of married life and 2 kids, I'm still learning to surrender such moments to the Lord asking Him to provide comfort to my parents when I'm not around. I too wasn't aware how hard this 'cleaving' would be...And I'm still learning!
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