"Pressured to Lose Weight"
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[0 Comment]Q. My husband has been withholding sex from me for the past two years to motivate me to lose the weight I gained from my pregnancy. I've tried to diet, but I feel so much pressure, I can't drop the pounds. What do I do?
A. We wonder if he's really not interested in sex and has found a way to justify his avoidance. If he's finding sexual release through pornography, for instance, he may be less interested in sex with you, so he uses your weight as the excuse. If that's the case, we'd recommend seeing a Christian sex therapist to work through your intimacy issues.
But more likely, he feels hurt that you have "let yourself go," so he's resorted to "punishing." Many people lose interest in sex when their spouses stop taking care of their health and appearance. You may think, That's unfair and wrong! He should love me the way I am. But physical attraction isn't logical. Staying healthy and fit is important—not just for the physical side of your relationship. You can't make your husband change, but you can change. As unfair as it seems, the onus is really on you.
Our bodies are a gift (the Bible calls them a temple). Get on a balanced diet, exercise, and set realistic goals (a pound a week).
Then sit down with your husband and have a talk. Tell him how you feel when he uses your weight as an excuse, that you want to be healthy, but his "motivational" techniques are anything but. Then give him suggestions on how best to encourage you. Don't do it just for the sex; do it for your own well-being.
Is he a sex addict?
Q. How do I know if my husband's a sex addict? We've been married a year and all he wants to do is have sex. Is this normal, or does he have a problem
A. Your husband is probably just a normal, horny male. Studies have found that men think about sex every few minutes. Be happy he's directing that desire toward you, and work together to make your sexual play the most exciting and fulfilling possible.
We know couples who get into arguments over libido issues, in which one spouse, to get the upper hand, will throw out, "You're a sex addict," or "You're a pervert. All you think about is sex." We can't begin to tell you how damaging that is to marriage—and to your spouse's self-esteem. It's cruel. God designed men to have stronger sex drives.
Usually sexual addiction is marked by self-focused involvement with pornography, self-stimulation, or promiscuity. If you have reasons to think these exist, express your concern—at a time when foreplay isn't in process!—and ask him directly about his sexual practices.
It's important to let him know how you're feeling about sex. It would be better for you to negotiate frequency of intercourse than for you to become bitter about his advances.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2006, Winter, Page 62
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