Tough Love
Average Rating: 
[8 Comments]
Though my husband, Steve, and I recently celebrated our twenty-sixth wedding anniversary, our marriage hasn't been filled with the wedded bliss you might expect from such a committed couple. Through the years, our relationship has weathered the storms of Steve's struggle with pornography and a volatile temper, my severe PMS and incessant need for control, and our unforgiving spirits.
I've battled I-can't-live-another-day-with-this-man feelings. And Steve has said that on the days I "acted crazy" (during my PMS), he's thought, I can't live like this the rest of my life. Since we've never allowed divorce to be an option, on my most desperate days, I've cried out to God, "I can't go on!"
But thanks to God's faithfulness and resurrection power, we have gone on. While we've both relied on our deep faith in God, we've also hung in there partly because I have a stubborn streak that God's transformed into tenacity. And Steve's stint as a Marine instilled him with an I-will-not-give-up-on-this-mission mindset—in this case, his mission being staying married to me for a lifetime.
As I hear others make excuses for withdrawing love from their spouse, I think of the motto Steve learned in the Marines: "No excuses—just results."
Even though we continue to struggle at times, Steve and I still love each other very much. Here are some of the lessons I've learned about loving my spouse even in the tough times.
1. Adopt God's Perspective on Sin.
One problem in our marriage was my mixed-up view of sin. My sins—being critical or judgmental, for example—seemed small and harmless to me compared to Steve's swearing, temper, or spending all his time in front of the television rather than with the kids and me. However, God showed me the error of this thinking when I read Jesus' words in Matthew 7:5: "First take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." Begrudgingly, I noticed it didn't say, "Remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the plank from your brother's eye."
When I let God expose my motives and attitudes in the light of his Word, my sins always appear like planks, while Steve's sins grow smaller in comparison. God wants me to deal with my sins, not Steve's.
While Steve was in the Marines, he perfected the bad habit of swearing. He still occasionally lets loose a string of profanities. I worried about its negative influence on our children, particularly when they would utter a curse word. I remember one day praying haughtily, "Lord, deliver him from this evil habit." But then the Holy Spirit spoke to me, What about your sins of the mouth? Suddenly they came to mind—criticizing, complaining, gossiping. I cringed when I realized our children had picked up these sinful habits too. The truth hit me: My use of words was no better than Steve's.
Originally published in: Today's Christian Woman, 2003, May/June, Vol. 25, Issue 3, Page 42
Related Topics:
Complaining, Cursing, Divorce, Excuses, God, faithfulness of, Grace, Love, Marriage, Perseverance, Perspective, Pornography, Profanity, Satan, Sin, Swearing
More from Elaine Creasman:
Kyria.com | Books
Join the Kyria.com Community!
Become a member to have access to the following:
- Full access to the bimonthly Kyria digizine, each issue focusing on a spiritual discipline or theme
- 50 percent discount on all of the downloadable resources in the Kyria Store
- Hundreds of members-only articles for thoughtful, influential women
downloadable guides
Sabbath Rest in a World of Stress
Practical insights for how to live a life that honors the spirit of Sabbath-rest.
The Mentoring Series: Nancy Ortberg
Discover leadership principles from a well-known author and respected leader.Browse More Guides
back to top
Average User Rating:
Displaying 1–5 of 8 comments
See all comments
JC
Today I discovered in our history browser that my hubby checked out a friend's bikini party facebook album. We're both in ministry, and so we knew that checking out other women is never done innocently or accidentally. His action grieved us both. Now I'm dealing with my own insecurities. I looked for articles here at Kyria and this ministered to me the most. Thank you, Elaine, for being my encourager today...
Sarah
Wendy, I think sometimes a little 'tough love' is required. Separation doesn't have to mean divorce, and sometimes can be the only way to get through to a man that their behaviour is unacceptable. I have been separated from my husband for over a year now, because of his verbal, emotional and physical abuse. It was my leaving however that forced him to confront his issues, and seek help. We are now well on the road to reconciliation, and while we aren't there yet, there is hope! For encouragement here, I would recommend two books: Every Man's Marriage, and Man of Her Dreams, Woman of His! Husbands are called by God to provide for their families, and for his wife to allow him to get away without doing that, or as in my case, allowing him to treat me without love and respect, was enabling him to sin, and thus committing sin myself. I believe that separation is not wrong (though divorce is, except for infidelity). Separation can be the tool God uses to get through to him. HTH!
Jenny
I love this!! Have only been married a year...but feel inspired, encouraged, and strengthened...love the honesty and candour...love this!!
Kerriastl
I can only thank you for your honesty. This article was just what I needed today and I am so grateful to you for being so incredibly honest. I will be re-reading this for a LONG time to come. I've needed a different way to pray for my marriage for months now. This was a gift to me. Thank you.
Rachel
I think it would be beneficial for you all to find a local church that has a counseling ministry. Even if your husbands will not go along it wouldn't hurt to go by yourselves. With God all things are possible. My Father cheated on my Mom when I was seven. She chose to stay with him for us kids. She chose to forgive him and with God and time it was possible. They have been married for 30 years now. They are best friends and very happy. I appreciate my Mom for staying with my Dad. I know it may have been easier for her to divorce and move on, but it would have destroyed us kids. My mom is a public school teacher, everyday is a reminder of the lasting effects of broken homes. These children struggle so much with emotional and behavioral problems. I know she made the best decision for our family.
Rate & Comment on this article *