Tough Love
Though my husband, Steve, and I recently celebrated our twenty-sixth wedding anniversary, our marriage hasn't been filled with the wedded bliss you might expect from such a committed couple. Through the years, our relationship has weathered the storms of Steve's struggle with pornography and a volatile temper, my severe PMS and incessant need for control, and our unforgiving spirits.
I've battled I-can't-live-another-day-with-this-man feelings. And Steve has said that on the days I "acted crazy" (during my PMS), he's thought, I can't live like this the rest of my life. Since we've never allowed divorce to be an option, on my most desperate days, I've cried out to God, "I can't go on!"
But thanks to God's faithfulness and resurrection power, we have gone on. While we've both relied on our deep faith in God, we've also hung in there partly because I have a stubborn streak that God's transformed into tenacity. And Steve's stint as a Marine instilled him with an I-will-not-give-up-on-this-mission mindset—in this case, his mission being staying married to me for a lifetime.
As I hear others make excuses for withdrawing love from their spouse, I think of the motto Steve learned in the Marines: "No excuses—just results."
Even though we continue to struggle at times, Steve and I still love each other very much. Here are some of the lessons I've learned about loving my spouse even in the tough times.
1. Adopt God's Perspective on Sin.
One problem in our marriage was my mixed-up view of sin. My sins—being critical or judgmental, for example—seemed small and harmless to me compared to Steve's swearing, temper, or spending all his time in front of the television rather than with the kids and me. However, God showed me the error of this thinking when I read Jesus' words in Matthew 7:5: "First take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." Begrudgingly, I noticed it didn't say, "Remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the plank from your brother's eye."
When I let God expose my motives and attitudes in the light of his Word, my sins always appear like planks, while Steve's sins grow smaller in comparison. God wants me to deal with my sins, not Steve's.
While Steve was in the Marines, he perfected the bad habit of swearing. He still occasionally lets loose a string of profanities. I worried about its negative influence on our children, particularly when they would utter a curse word. I remember one day praying haughtily, "Lord, deliver him from this evil habit." But then the Holy Spirit spoke to me, What about your sins of the mouth? Suddenly they came to mind—criticizing, complaining, gossiping. I cringed when I realized our children had picked up these sinful habits too. The truth hit me: My use of words was no better than Steve's.
Originally published in: Today's Christian Woman, 2003, May/June, Vol. 25, Issue 3, Page 42
Related Topics:
Complaining, Cursing, Divorce, Excuses, God, faithfulness of, Grace, Love, Marriage, Perseverance, Perspective, Pornography, Profanity, Satan, Sin, Swearing
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Average User Rating:
Rachel
I think it would be beneficial for you all to find a local church that has a counseling ministry. Even if your husbands will not go along it wouldn't hurt to go by yourselves. With God all things are possible. My Father cheated on my Mom when I was seven. She chose to stay with him for us kids. She chose to forgive him and with God and time it was possible. They have been married for 30 years now. They are best friends and very happy. I appreciate my Mom for staying with my Dad. I know it may have been easier for her to divorce and move on, but it would have destroyed us kids. My mom is a public school teacher, everyday is a reminder of the lasting effects of broken homes. These children struggle so much with emotional and behavioral problems. I know she made the best decision for our family.
wendy
What about a 'christian man' who refuses to support his family. I have stood by by husband for 6 years watching him quit his job and start a handyman business. We have lost all our savings, he cashed in his union pension, and we are now $30000 in credit card debt. He refuses to pay more than 1/2 the household bills, and will not even consider returning to work. The biggest grief I have is a $20000 motorcycle sitting in our garage that he refuses to sell. He asked me last night to take a home equity on the house to pay his credit card debt. I refused. I am ready to walk away if he does not make some changes. Am I wrong for this??
Skeeter
I empathize with the author of this article. I understand the struggles of dealing with a husband who has a "relationship" with pronography. I am married to a Christian man who has had a "relationship" with pornography since his college days over 35 years ago. Had I known of his addiction before I married him, I would not have married him. His involvement with his "secret life" with pornography caused him to never try to date me, be with me sexually, or even talk with me about what was on his mind for the 16 years we have been married. Because he developed "relationship" with the women depicted in pornography, he did not need me. I confronted him and told him the activity was not welcome in our home. It or he would have to leave. He has quit for the most part but says his involvement is my fault as I am not available. He has never pursued me. I am finding myself having a hard time forgiving him. He has really hurt me. How do you forgive so that you can move on and have a happy life?
Anonymous
Is it really worth all the pain and damage to one's children to endure living with a selfish pornography loving "christian" man? Isn't there a way out?
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