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I was their last resort. Kurt and Mary (not their real names) called me in the middle of an argument.

"Dr. Anderson, you have to come and help us," Mary said angrily. After talking with her briefly, I was afraid if I didn't show up, their argument would result in domestic violence!

I'm making a house call police officers don't even like to make! I thought as I got into my car.

I played referee for a couple hours until they'd worn themselves out. This Christian couple had made enemies of each other. And forgiveness was the furthest thing from what they wanted to discuss.

"I've listened to your arguments and frustrations," I started. "Here's the overriding reality. Before God we're responsible for our own character and the needs of the other person. You two have been ripping each other's character while looking out for your own needs. You're struggling in your marriage because you're struggling in your spiritual life."

They were stunned. They hadn't connected their marital troubles with how they were doing in their individual relationships with God. But the Bible is clear: "If someone says, 'I love God,' but hates a Christian brother or sister, that person is a liar; for if we don't love people we can see, how can we love God, whom we have not seen?" (1 John 4:20, NLT).

What makes a Christian marriage work is to forgive from our hearts, just as Jesus forgave us. He did so by taking our sins upon himself. For us, forgiving others means we're willing to live with the consequences of our spouse's sins.

But why forgive?

1. To help us mature in our faith. God's intention in marriage is that we hang in there and grow up. In Colossians Paul writes: "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you" (3:13).

It's in the context of committed relationships where we either learn to be kind, patient, and loving, or we blow apart. Loving each other inevitably means that we forgive each other—and keep on forgiving as Jesus instructed in Matthew 18:21-22. When Peter asked Jesus how many times we should forgive someone, "Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times."

Yes, you may be tempted to keep a written log of how many times you've forgiven your spouse! But Jesus was really saying we need to forgive as many times as we are offended. It may seem unfair, especially when we feel as though we're the ones always doing the forgiving. Yet, forgiveness calls us to grow in character, which is ultimately most pleasing to God.

2. To keep bitterness away. In the close confinement of our homes, we'll say or do things that are offensive to our mate. Even the best of us will feel hurt, put down, or rejected. But if we let a root of bitterness spring up, the writer of Hebrews says that it will "defile many" (12:15). Our unforgiveness grows to bitterness and affects everyone. It erupts in anger and brings disease, stress, pain. Bitterness is like swallowing a bottle of poison hoping the other person will die.

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