Built to Last
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Several years ago, my husband, Robert, and I were shopping at Wal-Mart with our three kids. While waiting in the checkout line, my husband spotted an old friend and said hello.
"This is my new wife," his high-school buddy proudly announced, introducing the woman next to him in line. "We just got back from our honeymoon," he added, beaming.
Tell me something I don't know, I thought wryly. Three things gave them away: their tans, their blushes, and their smiles.
For a split second I envied that fresh, romantic phase of marriage. It only took another split second, however, for me to come back to reality. First of all, it's easy to smile at Wal-Mart when you're not chasing kids around. Second—and this is the clincher—I'd gladly trade newlywed blushing for being further along in marriage any day. Those newlyweds were still blissfully unaware blushes and butterflies turn into ritual and routine. In the 16 years Robert and I have been married, I've learned that it's by working through marriage's ups and downs that you develop the skills needed to build a lasting, loving relationship. Here are six tools we've discovered.
- Refresh yourself. "Boy!" my husband, Robert, exclaimed when he opened the laundry room door recently and saw piles of neatly folded clothes. "You must've been in the mood to do laundry today!"
Of all the things I'm in the mood to do each day, laundry is never one of them. Rest assured, I quickly set the record straight: I only do the laundry because it has to be done. My family is under the impression I wash underwear and clean toilets because that's what I like to do. The truth is, being a good wife and mom often means living a life of self-denial.
Consequently, I find I sometimes need a time-out from the daily routine to keep myself going. I don't mean having regular quiet times with God—that's a given! But I've found it's also important to do something occasionally for myself outside of caring for my family. Even simple things can give me a boost, such as my private stash of chocolate hidden behind the frozen vegetables, a good cup of coffee, a dinner out once in a while, an annual getaway. On days when I feel ready to resign as a wife and mother, I take a few minutes, hours, or (if possible) days to refresh myself. Find out what rejuvenates you and let your family know when you need to kick back from the daily grind. Everyone needs a pick-me-up once in a while. - Keep talking. "What's wrong?" my husband asked, giving one final stab at prying information out of me as we lay in bed one evening shortly after we were married.
Robert's remark at dinner about the fish still being frozen had hurt my feelings, but I certainly wasn't going to tell him! After all, he should realize when he's being too harsh. Men are supposed to know these things, aren't they?
"Nothing," I mumbled.
"Fine!" Robert said, giving up. "If you aren't going to tell me what's wrong, I'll give you the silent treatment, and you can see how it feels!" With that he clammed up and rolled over.
I didn't like it, but his approach worked. As tears began to flow, I crept over to him and whispered an apology.
That night comes back to me every time I'm tempted to resort to the silent treatment. My husband can't fix something he doesn't know is broken. Telling my spouse when something's wrong may prompt a disagreement, but as my mother-in-law says, "When you don't care enough to disagree, it's time to start worrying." I recall her words during the most heated arguments; they remind me that disagreements aren't all bad. Tell your spouse when something's bothering you, and keep talking.
Originally published in: Today's Christian Woman, 2002, July/August, Vol. 24, Issue 4, Page 34
Related Topics:
Counsel, Disagreements, Divorce, Humor, Listening, Marriage, Sharing, Spouse, Teamwork
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BB
This is encouraging, I will surely share it with my husband so that we can apply it to our 3yrs old marriage. Sometimes i think about my life as a single lady, the freedom, time, etc. and i feel frustrated but marrying my husband is the best thing that ever happened to me, we both can build it to last.You have taught me something and I am blessed.
Luisa
This article is a great reminder of what married life is all about. I have teenage children and will share this with them as it will help them expect the unexpected when it's there time - thanks for this awesome aticle
Joyce
I so enjoyed this article for the acknowledgment of differences and the need to communicate, even accepting arguing. And the thoughts on listening are so good! I believe the point about "never saying divorce" is more about commitment than about what is a cause for divorce. The point: don't even consider a way out. Marriage is a life-long commitment and although there are often times when one will become very frustrated, never giving up is an attitude choice. I have been married over 30 years and am still learning and still working on my attitudes. And it is getting better! I am still learning about what my husband needs and how I can better love him and meet his needs. This seems to be a time of life when I see his needs more. Just staying with the relationship and commitment through the challenging times strengthens the resolve and the faith, both in the relationship and in the Lord's faithfulness through it all.
Yolande
I agree with "A" on the divorce issue. Many women suffer in horrible marriages because of the incorrect legalistic preaching on the 'only 2 valid reasons for divorce'. If pastors would take the time to do a decent study on this issue, instead of just going with what they think is correct, many women would be released spiritually (because of feelings of guilt because they did divorce), or physically (because they realise it is OK to leave an abusive situation). The book "Divorce and Remarriage in the Church" is an excellent resource on this, and though God hates divorce, because of the destruction it brings, I am sure he hates it even more when someone in a marriage is being abused, neglected, lied to, belittled, or whatever. Yes, divorce is the last option, and ONLY if both parties are not good-willed people just in a crazy cycle (Love and Respect), but to say that only infidelity and desertion counts - I cannot disagree with that more strongly. Rest of the article is very good.
A
I enjoyed this article and wil share it with my husband of 20 years. I had to wonder while reading it, though, where this author got the information about what God sees as fit reasons for divorce. Does God say somewhere that it is in fact okay for couples to divorce for infidelity or desertion? Is it not "okay" to divorce for physical or emotional abuse? What if one spouse no longer wants to share in sexual relations? What if one spouse gets in trouble with the law? What if one spouse suddenly decides not to contribute to the family and be a freeloader? There are a myriad of things that couples go through that can make one seriously think about divorce. I would be careful to state to others in an article what God will surely do (or perhaps not do) out of mercy. I'm thinking my God has mercy in all things. And I'm not saying I have all the answers either. I'm just curious about the author's statement and maybe what others think.
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