In-Law Complaints
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In-law Complaints
"My husband and I feel the same way about his parents. We don't like them. But whenever I say something negative about them, he gets defensive! What gives?"
Anyone who's ever spoken a harsh word against hubby's mama has encountered the same thing: a bad case of smackdown. Counselor and co-author of Mad About Us: Moving from Anger to Intimacy with Your Mate (Bethany),
Dr. Gary Oliver has this warning: "If crazy is to find out what doesn't work and keep on doing it, then saying negative things about your in-laws probably isn't anything even close to smart. Unless you enjoy being miserable."
Rules for in-law criticisms:
- When tempted to say something negative, keep quiet.
- When tempted to agree with someone from the family about someone from the family, nod up a storm inside your head. Then see #1.
- When tempted to badmouth your in-laws in front of your children, keep your lips sealed.
As much as your husband may have issues with his family, they're still his family. Only family members who have toughed it out since childhood together have a right to take issue with their own.
I know it's tough! They probably do get on your nerves. But the old saying "If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all" has biblical roots. Proverbs 10:14 (NLT) tells us, "Wise people treasure knowledge, but the babbling of a fool invites trouble."
Dr. Oliver agrees. "If you must say something, start with something positive, then share one concern that maybe you and your husband can do something about."
If your in-laws are doing something that's directly affecting your marriage or your children, then definitely have your say to them about it. But don't stoop to their level. Say your piece with a spirit of grace that shows your class.
But more often, the better approach is to simply let it go. The next time you want to join a gripe fest, try this instead: Agree mentally, then ask God to give you a heart of peace, eyes that see the good, a mind to ignore the not-so-good, and a faith to trust that the God who created us all can do much more in their lives than your criticizing ever could.
Bedroom Discomforts
"My husband keeps asking me to do things in the bedroom I'm not comfortable with. But when I tell him "no," he gets upset and the whole mood is ruined. How can I make him understand my point of view?"
This is a hot-button issue in a lot of marriages. And it can come from two completely different angles. One is the "This is sin; no other way around it" category to which you should be uncomfortable and say no. The other is the "I don't want to, therefore it's wrong, so stop asking" category. Too often women put the second category in with the first, and that's a problem.
Certified Christian sex therapist, Debra Taylor says, "Share your feelings about doing with him the things he's suggested. Is that how he wants you to feel during sex? Be specific about what makes you uncomfortable."
Originally published in: Today's Christian Woman, 2008, November/December, Vol. 30, Issue 6, Page 15
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his
good
rudyard james
i don't know why in laws are always a problem n marriage life. for me i rather tell my in laws not to intervene in the affairs of our married life unless i ask them their ooinionso f suggestions to solve the family problems
Rachael
Men are mean I had to learn the hard way their parents and they never do wrong. This WhY I am getting divorced after 16 years. a wife will always loose in the end. My husband is a jerk I din't learn that until I left him on 3/16/2008. His family is cotrolling/abusive/vilant as well. No wonder he is so messed up. My family tried to show him a better life ne rused it that way. Ladies protect your kids. Sadly Tx teens can choose a parent who is like this man to live with . Tx law says at 12 kids can pick which parent to stay with abuse or not. Beware men are going free on abuse saying your a threat to the and calling it self defense. This happened for me.
Dee
Thanks for the great article. I have learnt the hard way on this one, and now pray before I open my mouth. I now watch what I say as I am working on the "not being judgemental of others" thing in my life. I am trying to concentrate on the positive and just let my husband air his feelings.
Dog
I feel like a cheated spouse. I have been married for 16 years. Our sexual experiences have been good but now are non-existent. While neither of our bodies resemble the early times we have both put on weight,with my wife putting on about 80 pounds to my 60. However my wife has always used intimacy as a levering device in our relationship. Right now I can not remember the last time that we kissed, I can not remember the last time that we were intimate. I have always tried to be the lover that she needed me to be. Yes there were times where self control was a problem and however most of the times were20 minutes- 45 minutes or longer. I came into the relationship with more of a past. My wife came into the relationship with a failed marriage and some abuse. Now I feel that I am the one being abused. She tone is always demeaning and violent. She seems to never be happy about anything. I have mentioned therapy and she said a definate, NO. That I would make it look like her fault. ADVICE???
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