What's He Thinking?
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[0 Comment]Q. When we were dating, we could finish each other's sentences. But now that we are married, I feel like I don't even know what is going on in his head most of the time. We're having a really hard time understanding each other. What happened?
A. In a general sense, women prefer to relate and talk about feelings, while men want to solve issues and offer solutions. This pattern, barely evident during the dating years, becomes increasingly blatant after the wedding. So if you are feeling like you don't "understand" one another the way you used to, don't despair. You simply need to learn the art of communicating as a married couple.
The lesson begins by recognizing your various levels of conversation. In Rock-Solid Marriage (Word), Robert and Rosemary Barnes explain that once a couple gets married they tend to talk on three different levels. To have a growing and fulfilling marriage where both partners feel understood, a couple needs to move to "Level Three."
"Level One" is the most shallow level of communication, what the Barnes's call the Grunt Level. It involves obligatory responses: "Hello" and "How ya doing?" Words are exchanged but the communication is far from deep. Unfortunately, many couples approach each other at this level. They get home from work and "talk" a bit about their day but neither really listens.
"Level Two" is just a step above the Grunt Level of communicating. It is the Journalist Level where talking with one's spouse involves expressing opinions but only on mundane facts. The conversation involves politics, other people, the church, but it stops there. Nothing is said about each other's feelings. That's reserved for the next level.
"Level Three" is the Feelings Level. Spouses reach this level when they feel safe enough to share areas of weakness or feelings that may put them in a bad light. This is a vulnerable step involving opening up one's spirit and allowing your partner to see the real you. This is the only level on which true understanding occurs.
Whenever we counsel couples about these three levels, they quickly want to know what they can do to create the kind of safety where both of them are willing to risk communicating at the third level. Well, the answer is simple in principle, but more difficult in practice. It is to listen for each other's feelings and reflect them back. Underneath every message your spouse communicates is a river of emotions that you can tap into. Don't look for these feelings to be clearly labeled—they aren't. The signs are subtle, hidden beneath the verbiage and the body language. Your spouse may not say "I'm frustrated," for example, but he or she might reveal this in tone or demeanor. When this is the case, you can say: "It sounds like you are frustrated." A simple statement like this is all that is needed to bring Level Two conversation deeper—to the point where genuine understanding takes place.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2001, Fall
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