Must I Take Him Back?

Gary J. and Carrie Oliver

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Q.My husband is having an affair with a co-worker. After three months I told him he could leave, as he said he was going to do. However, now he told me he wants to stay and that he loves me and the children. What should I do? We are both Christians and attend church regularly. Is it wrong if I still feel like he should leave even if he doesn't want to now? I need some biblical answers.

A. From the way you worded your question it sounds like your husband is still having the affair. If that's the case, there are only two viable options. He can either choose to stop having the affair and deal with the situation in a biblically consistent way or he can leave. No negotiation. No discussion. No other options. In our more that thirty years of experience we can tell you that there is no such thing as working on a relationship while continuing an emotional or physical affair. It just doesn't work.

If he loves the Lord, if he loves you, and if he loves the children, then the choice for him is simple. 1 John 1:9 says, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." Confession and repentance is the first of several steps. For the next steps he needs to contact your pastor or an experienced Christian counselor who knows the Word and is experienced in helping people recover from an affair.

The healing and restoration process will take time— for both of you. The challenge will be to understand what forgiveness looks like and then take the steps to experience healing. Trust that is broken in an instant often takes years to heal. You've been on an emotional roller coaster and it's not over yet. We would encourage both of you to read Dave Carder's exceptional book, Torn Asunder (Moody).

We've worked with hundreds of couples whose marriages have been scarred by an affair. The bad news is that it hurts. The good news is that God is still in the business of saving souls and healing broken hearts. You and your husband can still experience a godly marriage. With patience and prayer you can discover that rebuilding a marriage is an opportunity to go deeper—to find out what hasn't worked and do things differently.

In the last part of your question, you asked if it is wrong for you to want him to leave. The Bible doesn't directly address the issue of separation so the real question isn't, Is it wrong but rather, Is it wise. Will making him leave increase the likelihood of healing and restoration?

Since research and our own experience demonstrates that the vast majority of couples who separate end up getting a divorce, we rarely recommend separation. One exception is when the safety of the spouse and children are a concern. The second exception is when one or both partners want or are seriously considering a divorce but are willing to accept a separation for the purpose of healing and growth. During this time-limited separation, they both sign a contract in which they agree not to pursue divorce or pursue any other romantic relationship and to do specific activities (including counseling) designed to rebuild hope and lay a new foundation. If you choose to ask him to leave, please talk with an experienced Christian counselor before you make a final decision.

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2001, Fall

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