"His Sister Won't Move Out!"

Also: "She Doesn't Need to Work"; "He Keeps Moving Us"

By Gary and Carrie Oliver

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I've been married two years, and during that entire time, my husband's sister has lived with us. She moved in to finish college and is now looking for a job, but seems content to stay in our home. She has no social life, so she's always around. My husband and I have no intimacy or privacy! What can I do?

A. How much have you and your husband talked about this situation? Does your husband know how you feel about this? Does he agree that you have no intimacy or privacy as individuals or as a couple? Does this concern him at all? Do you both agree on what needs to happen?

Invite him to share with you what he thinks. Listen to what he says regardless of whether you agree or disagree. Then share your feelings with him. He needs to know how you're perceiving the situation with his sister, what you feel, how it impacts your ability to be spontaneous and open with him. Be careful to keep perspective and not to put your husband on the defensive. At this point you both need to seek understanding.

This situation may take a few conversations before you and your husband are on the same page.

When the two of you are unified in your plan for change, then you can have a conversation with his sister. She needs to hear how you both care for her and that you want both her and your marriage to succeed and that there will need to be some changes.

She doesn't need to work

Q. After ten years of marriage and rearing our three children, my wife wants to get a job outside our home. Although I reluctantly agreed, I'm having a difficult time adjusting. When I was growing up, I lived in a one-income family where my father worked outside the home to provide, and my mother dedicated herself to the home and everything in it. My wife doesn't need to work; I make enough to support our family well. But she says she wants to "be someone" outside the house and to contribute to the family.

A. Clearly there are needs and concerns your wife has that don't make sense to you.

In our premarital counseling we always spend time with couples discussing their understanding of male and female roles. Where did they come from? Their biological family, the Bible, the church, their community, their personal preferences, or a combination? While most would like to believe their view comes from the clear teaching of Scripture, in most cases it comes from a combination of sources.

Adjusting to change can be difficult, especially when it involves change from a value we've allowed to define, at least in part, an important aspect of who we are. It sounds as though a part of your definition of a good husband is that your wife doesn't have to work. While that's a noble goal, we'd encourage you prayerfully to reconsider that assumption.

Maybe she doesn't "have" to work for financial reasons. But like the woman in Proverbs 31, perhaps God has given your wife abilities and interests that involve things outside the home. Be careful not to allow your bias to limit who God has created your wife to be. Just as you've been able to be a good dad while wearing other hats, your wife can be a great mom while nurturing and developing other areas of her life.

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2006, Fall, Page 18

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