"He Won't Touch Me"
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[0 Comment]Q.My husband won't touch me in public and rarely tells me he loves me. I've told him how important those things are, but he just shrugs them away. Now it's affecting my desire for him. What should I do?
A. We wonder how he came to be so undemonstrative. Have you two ever discussed your childhood experiences in regards to affection? Many families are non-touchers, either specifically deriding shows of affection or simply not modeling physical expressions of love. Those impressions are deeply ingrained, so your husband may feel embarrassed to touch you or fear he won't do it right.
Exploring a person's learning experiences can break the ice. Just asking questions about his feelings rather than focusing on your frustration can minimize his defensiveness. Hopefully his "shrugs" can give way to honest conversation. A question that may open the door is, "How did your parents show affection?" We'd be surprised if they were much different from their son. Understanding his heart can give you a different attitude toward him.
A further approach is to write him a love letter. Review your initial attraction to him, and describe the excitement of your courtship. Talk about the passion that's smoldering inside you and the triggers that will re-ignite those flames. While he may be resistant to shows of affection, he still needs to think of himself as a potent male. It may be safer for him to read a letter than try to talk about a fearful topic.
She's too modest
Q. My wife is still shy about exposing her body to me. Although she's never shy while we make love, before and after, she covers quickly and won't let me look at her. How do I help her realize her body is nothing to be ashamed of?
A. One of the differences between men and women is that men are "soul" modest and women are "body" modest. Men are reluctant and fearful to let their wives see their emotions, and women are shy about exposing their bodies. Sounds as though you're in the normal pattern. In our current culture, it's refreshing to hear that body modesty hasn't disappeared.
However, it's important for a wife to understand her husband's wiring and recognize the thrill it gives him to enjoy her physical beauty. It gives him not only sexual arousal, but also a special feeling of being honored. He can know he's the only man who's allowed inside her private and protected territory. You could explain these things to her and let her know that the way you see her body is probably different from the way she sees it. Most women are overly critical of their bodies. Your wife needs to hear you express how you see her so she can begin to believe it.
There's also a sense in which her modesty will preserve the mystery and romance of your sexual intimacy. Then, on those infrequent times when she lets you see her, you can recognize again the prize you've won!
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2005, Summer, Page 54
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