Confronting the Other Woman?
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[0 Comment]Q. My husband had an affair with a friend of mine. He and I have reconciled, but I feel the need to confront my friend. I want to talk to her about how she betrayed me. What's the correct way to handle it?
A. The "correct" way to handle it depends on your motive, what you hope to accomplish, and what you sense the Holy Spirit saying to you about it. Your first step is to examine your purpose in confronting her. Is it to "speak the truth in love" with a desire to promote healing? Or is it to exact a pound of emotional flesh for the way she wounded you?
If part of your motive is payback, don't be too hard on yourself. That's a normal emotional reaction. The danger lies in dwelling on those feelings and allowing them to determine your choices. Before you consider confrontation, it's critical for you to check your motives. As you've thought about a confrontation, and even rehearsed different scenarios in your mind, what's been the state of your heart?
Before talking to her it's essential that you've first followed the clear teaching of Scripture and forgiven her. In Matthew 6:14-15, Jesus says, "If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins" (NLT).
Psychologist Norm Wright once told us that you know you've forgiven someone when you can pray for her and desire God's best for her. It doesn't mean you have to like her and want to be around her. It does mean that you've let go of the offense, are able to focus on what God wants to do in your life, and have received the grace to want God's best for her life.
How can you get there? Once a day for the next 30 days, read Matthew 5 and 7, in which Jesus talks about dealing with those who have hurt you. Get a copy of David Stoop's book, Forgiving the Unforgivable, and look up the Scripture references he lists. Then pray daily asking God what he'd have you do. At the end of the 30 days you'll have a more complete answer to your question about confronting the "other" woman.
Depressed and Angry
Q.Three years ago my husband was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. This has struck down his faith and sent him into a deep depression. He won't attend church, pray, or talk about God. What should I do?
A. After three years of struggling with the physical pain, increasing physical limitations, difficulty in maintaining normal levels of activity, as well as the enormous emotional and psychological drain, it's not surprising he's depressed. Studies show that one-third of all patients with fibromyalgia syndrome (FMS) suffer depression.
Withdrawal from normal activities is a common symptom of depression, and if it isn't dealt with, it can exacerbate your husband's depression.
It's critical that you and your husband see a physician, perhaps a psychiatrist, who understands FMS as well as depression to assess what may be the physiological, psychological, or emotional reasons behind his depression. It may be that he needs help with medication for the depression.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2005, Spring, Page 18
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