He Isn't a Christian

Also: "My Husband Has Lost Interest," "Second Place to Her Father?," and "Is Separation Okay?"

Gary and Carrie Oliver

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Q. My husband and I weren't Christians when we married. But I'm a Christian now, and he isn't. He doesn't like that I believe in God. We seem to butt heads all the time and our marriage is tense. I'd love for my husband to accept Jesus. What should I do?

A. Many have walked this path before you and many have seen their spouse, over time, give their life to Jesus. When someone becomes a Christian, their enthusiasm can cause them to say and do things, with the best of intentions, that can alienate and offend those they love most. Rather than seeing Christ in their spouse, the unbelieving partners see someone who, before Christ, loved them the way they were but now will only really love them, as they see it, if they convert.

While being married to an unbelieving spouse can be a long and discouraging road, it doesn't have to be a lonely one. Get into a women's Bible study so you can be encouraged by other godly women, solicit their prayers on your behalf, and find a woman who can mentor you in this part of your journey. She can help you be more objective in finding ways to reflect and model Christ to your husband.

God has given you a unique opportunity to live as Christ to your husband. But also God has given you a profound laboratory to learn how to love your husband with the unconditional love that characterizes God's love for you. Scripture even gives you great hope in this area: "Wives … accept the authority of your husbands, even those who refuse to accept the Good News. Your godly lives will speak to them better than any words. They will be won over by watching your pure, godly behavior" (1 Peter 3:1-2, NLT).

My Husband Has Lost Interest

Q. My husband and I just celebrated our first anniversary—but the honeymoon ended long ago. He's so detached. He doesn't want to talk, we spend most of our time doing separate things, we argue more than ever, and he's lost interest in me sexually. He says he can never do enough to make me happy, so he's stopped trying. When I try to talk about it, he just gets upset. I'm desperate for things to change. What can I do?

A. Unfortunately, many couples find themselves in similar situations. It's a far cry from your dreams at the altar and a far cry from what God designed marriage to be.

There may be several contributing factors to your problem.

If your husband's more of an introvert and you're more of an extrovert, you have two different ways of communicating, problem solving, focusing, and recharging yourself. Learning about personality types really helped us understand each other better, and we know hundreds of couples who've benefited from learning how to understand and value their partner's uniqueness.

It also sounds as if you've gotten into the pursuer/distancer dance. It's a common dance for many couples, without them even knowing it. In this dance, Partner No. 1 (usually the more extroverted one) approaches Partner No. 2 (usually the introverted one) with a desire to chat and relate. That seems harmless enough. But when Partner No. 2 isn't ready to chat and goes into his or her cave, Partner No. 1 goes in after them. The more one pursues, the more the other distances, and after a few rounds you've perfected a dysfunctional and mutually frustrating dance.

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2003, Fall

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