Couple Counsel
Average Rating: Not rated
[0 Comment]He Seems to Hate Me
Q. How much verbal abuse is a woman supposed to take from her husband? We have been married for ten years, and even before the marriage my friends and family would tell me about the horrible way he spoke to me, but I was deaf to it. Now I am getting more and more depressed. I confront him with it and he says he doesn't know what I am talking about. He'll be okay for awhile and then goes right back to his sarcastic, hurtful ways. He claims to love me while acting like he hates me. He always wants to be with me and is always home. I don't want a divorce, but I don't want to take the abuse any more either. What should I do?
A. The old saying "sticks and stones can break my bones but words will never hurt me" just isn't true. We've worked with many people whose broken bones have healed but whose broken hearts and spirits are still hurting from wounds inflicted many years earlier. Verbal abuse cannot be tolerated and is never something to be accepted. If it isn't dealt with, it will only get worse and may lead to physical abuse.
An important first step is to get clear about what behavior is healthy and unhealthy, what is appropriate and inappropriate, what is acceptable and unacceptable. If you've lived with this for ten years, you've probably become desensitized to what healthy and appropriate look like. Dr. Grace Ketterman's book, Verbal Abuse: Healing the Hidden Wound (Servant), will help clarify what healthy looks like and give you practical suggestions for new ways to respond.
The next step is for you to state to your husband what you will and will not tolerate and then have a specific plan as to how you will respond the next time your boundaries are crossed. If he calls you names, leave the room or leave the house. Set specific boundaries for what you will tolerate and how you will respond to him. Retreating in silence, crying, yelling back, or threatening aren't healthy responses and won't produce positive results. Actually, nothing will guarantee positive results from your husband. However, there are things that you can do to protect yourself and increase the probability of change in your marriage.
In our early years of marriage we can give into unhealthy patterns that become unrecognizable to us. Over time they appear to be "normal." We may not understand that we can do things differently and sometimes get better results. As the wife, know that you can learn new ways to respond to your husband. If he puts you down, you can refuse to allow that to be truth for you. Many women don't understand that there is a place for healthy anger in a marriage relationship. Good Women Get Angry (Servant)—a book Gary wrote with Norm Wright—will give you practical and biblically consistent ways to express your fears, hurts, and frustrations to your husband and to use your anger-energy to set healthy, honoring, and respectful boundaries.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2001, Winter
More from Gary and Carrie Oliver:
Kyria.com | Books
Join the Kyria.com Community!
Become a member to have access to the following:
- Full access to the bimonthly Kyria digizine, each issue focusing on a spiritual discipline or theme
- 50 percent discount on all of the downloadable resources in the Kyria Store
- Hundreds of members-only articles for thoughtful, influential women
downloadable guides
Sabbath Rest in a World of Stress
Practical insights for how to live a life that honors the spirit of Sabbath-rest.
The Mentoring Series: Nancy Ortberg
Discover leadership principles from a well-known author and respected leader.Browse More Guides
back to top
Average User Rating: Not rated
Rate & Comment on this article *