Q & A

Gary J. and Carrie Oliver

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My Husband Got Fired Again

Q. I have been with my husband for almost ten years. He changed his career within the last two years to the computer industry. Since then, he hasn't held down a job. This year alone, he has had three different jobs. He either quits or they end up firing him. I have always been the breadwinner in the family, and I keep trying to support him, but deep down inside I am losing respect for him. I've tried bringing it up in both subtle and direct ways. Neither works. The conversation only gets turned around and he ends up angry and not talking to me. He just got fired again last week. He's showing no initiative to find a job and is taking naps with the kids every day. I'm not sure how much longer I can take this. I love my husband with all my heart, and I just want to resolve this problem.

A. It's confusing and frustrating when you try to be faithful, you try to do what is right and nothing changes. It's understandable that you are weary and losing respect for him. He has probably lost a lot of respect for himself. You don't want to "mother" your husband but in some ways that's the situation you find yourself in. It's sounds like if you try to make some changes you get in trouble and if you do nothing the situation remains the same.

Unemployment, especially for long periods of time, produces many confusing and conflicting emotions for both husbands and wives and can be destructive to a relationship. In our experience one of the core emotions that emerges is fear. Men and women share many of the same fears, but there are also some significant differences. Women's fears often revolve around isolation, loss of support, and abandonment. Men are likely to fear anything that may make them look like less of a man. Unemployment certainly is one of them. These fears are heightened when men sense criticism, disapproval, rejection, humiliation, or exposure of their weaknesses.

The longer a problem continues the more difficult it is to change. The deeper the rut the harder it is to get out of it. The encouraging news is that you still love your husband and want to resolve this problem.

It's clear that what you've done so far hasn't worked, and so we would encourage you to start by getting a sheet of paper and folding it in half. On one side make a list of everything you have done that hasn't worked. On the other side make a list of things you haven't done but that have crossed your mind, that some of your friends have suggested, or that you may have heard the still small voice of the Holy Spirit whisper in your ear. You might even take the list to your pastor to look over. At this stage don't eliminate anything because it seems too radical. Your situation may require some radical action.

Now, find a couple of women whom you know who are women of prayer and ask them to pray with you every day for the next thirty days about what God might have you to do. Ask them to, at least once a day, take their copy of the list out, look at it, pray over each option, and note any insights or ideas that come to mind. At the end of the thirty days get together with these trusted friends and share together what God has shown you. You may be surprised at the results.

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2001, Spring

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