Couple Counsel

Gary and Carrie Oliver

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We're Both the Boss!

Q. My wife and I have problems agreeing on many things. For example, even though my wife is ready to have kids, I don't want to because we disagree on child rearing and financial responsibilities. She wants to have the authority to discipline our children without calling me at work first. I don't think it's too much to have her call me before disciplining the children. My wife wants to be in charge of bill paying. I think we should sit down every month and do it together, like my parents did. She thinks this is impractical. What can we do to start agreeing?

A. While it may seem as if your problem is about not being able to agree, the real issue is that you and your wife are experiencing a continuous power struggle. Marriage is a place where two people come together, bringing their history, background, upbringing, gender, personality, bad habits and good habits, gifts and talents. In other words, marriage is a coming together of many differences. God then says we are to become one. Easier said than done! The good news is we have the lifetime of marriage, the promises of God's Word, and the power of the Holy Spirit to help us accomplish that.

Whenever there is a conflict, our immediate response is to try and solve it—which means we want our spouse to see things the way we see them. Rather than focusing on agreeing, we would encourage you to focus on learning how to listen to each other.

Power struggles come out of insecurity and are about the need for control. Giving up control for some people seems risky because it feels unsafe. Building intimacy is risky business! We'll make mistakes, we'll get hurt, and at times we'll fail. Having control will never prevent failure but we guarantee it will prevent intimacy. Decide right now to let go of some of your control. It takes two to have a power struggle.

Then choose to listen and understand your mate. Do you really hear and care about the concerns of your spouse? Researchers tell us that we listen five times as fast as someone speaks, so when someone else talks, it's easy for us to get distracted. The most effective listening involves making eye contact with the person and letting her talk without interrupting to make suggestions or to help her finish a sentence. When you really listen, you don't think about what you are going to say when the other person stops talking.

What would it look like for you to develop a "couple" view of some of the issues you argue about? Both of you seem to be holding on to what you learned growing up, and certainly there is value to that experience. But becoming one means taking a look at how you and your wife can create your own unique ways of making decisions and setting policies in your marriage. Becoming one is a process that takes time and energy, and requires giving up control to be truly loving and understanding. And there are few things God has called us to do that pay greater dividends throughout our lives than a strong, healthy marriage relationship.

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2002, Summer

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