My Husband's Secret Life
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On October 16, 1986, my world turned upside down. I'd been reared in a loving Christian home and had earned a teaching degree at a Christian college where I'd met John*, my husband of 13 years. I'd stayed home with our two children, Anne and Tommy, until 1984 when I returned to the classroom part time at the school where John taught, and where Anne was a now a fifth grader and Tommy was in second grade. We were members of a church, and enjoyed many family activities together. I felt John and I had a good marriage, although I wished we could communicate on a deeper level. Reading my husband's heart was like trying to see the bottom of a deep, murky well.
But over the past several months, I'd noticed he'd grown even quieter and more withdrawn. I knew his childhood had been difficult and that his father was an alcoholic with a violent temper. Understanding that sometimes the past can rear its head and cause depression, I encouraged him to meet with our pastor, Walter. He finally agreed, and they set up weekly sessions.
The morning after their third session, John was waiting for me as I came downstairs. I was shocked to see tears streaming down his ashen face.
"I have something to tell you," he said as he took my hand and led me to the couch. He paused, choosing his words carefully. Finally, he blurted, "I've been involved in homosexual relationships, before and throughout our marriage."
I felt as if the room started to spin and I was dangling upside down. But I also felt as if John had thrust a dagger into my stomach.
I glanced down at our intertwined hands, then looked into the face of a stranger. I yanked my hand away.
"I was sexually abused between the ages of 9 and 15 by a male relative, and I've been struggling with these desires since high school," he said. "Even though I became a Christian when I was 17, I never lost the lust. Instead, I just dealt with the guilt.
"When I met you, I honestly fell in love with you and I thought marriage would solve my problem. But the yearning was too strong, and I fell. I'm so ashamed. I know I've sinned against God and broken my marriage vows." He started to cry again.
I sat on the couch trying to detach myself from his confession, wishing this were a bad dream. Throughout our marriage I never once had questioned John's faithfulness; trying to comprehend that he had a secret sexual identity was impossible. Thoughts started to creep in: When did he do this? How did he meet these people? How could I not have known? I feel like a fool. What if he gave me a disease?
Once John regained some composure, he continued, "Three weeks ago I decided just to end it all. I was tired of living a double life. So after you and the children were sleeping, I went into the garage determined to gas myself to death.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2005, Winter, Page 50
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Lucllle
Thank you so much for your comments, Dawn. Please write again and let me know how you are doing. I will continue to pray that you receive the help that is available to overcome your past. Please remember that feelings are not shameful; we all struggle in that area, and that God truly wants us to live a life of freedom found only in Jesus Christ, His Son. Jeremiah 29:11 says, "'For I know what I have planned for you', says the Lord. I have plans to prosper you, not to harm you. I have plans to give you a future filled with hope. When you call out to me and come to me in prayer, I will hear your prayers. When you seek me in prayer and worship, you will find me available to you.'". And of course, "prosper" doesn't necessarily mean material riches, but He does promise to provide what we need. Blessings, Lucille
Dawn
I must say I really enjoyed your story. It gave me hope for myself- I was also molested as a young girl and I am struggling myself - with the lust for the same sex. People feel like you should accept this but I don't and I won't. The information you shared about the Exodus conference really helpled me and it made me realize what I need to do. What the lady said to you also really helped me about longing for the love of a parent. I long to be accepted by my biological mother and it hurts that I am not. Please know this story has truly been a blessing for me. I know my breakthrough is coming as well. Thanks again.
Lucille
Yes, Cameron, people are very blind! In fact, the Bible says we're all more than blind- we're dead in our transgressions and sins. (Ephesians 2:1). But the good news is found in Ephesians 2:4,5 -"But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions-it is by grace you have been saved." I'm so thankful that a loving God was working in my husband's life even when I didn't have a clue what was wrong and at the same time, was also working in my own life teaching me many truths that I probably wouldn't have learned otherwise. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Lucille
You're welcome, Emme.
Lucille
Amanda, I'm rejoicing that you were encouraged by my article and I will be praying for you daily in your struggle - especially to forgive your husband Forgiveness is an ongoing covenant: something I have to keep doing. I also have to ask my husband for his forgiveness when I don't keep my covenant concening the 3 decisions I made when I initially forgave him. I pray that you can rest in God's promises, one day at at time. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a good future". Jeremiah 29:11 In the five years since I wrote the article, our marriage has continued to grow stronger and sweeter, all because of God's grace, and I know that He can do the same for yours. Lucille Jones
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