My Loveless Marriage
I lay in bed staring at the darkness. My husband, Larry, was snoring softly beside me. We'd just had another fight. I could hardly remember what had started it, but I knew we'd both said ugly, hateful things. Nothing had been resolved. We'd just gotten tired. Now he slept and I lay here, feeling utterly alone.
I crawled out of bed to check on our two sons. David, such a handful while awake, looked like an angel even though his face was sticky from the ice cream he'd eaten earlier. I pulled Matthew's covers back on his small body and smoothed his blond head. He needed a haircut. Working full-time, with two small sons to referee and a house to keep clean, I never had enough time to do it all.
Something drew me to the window. I could see the lights from downtown Seattle. So many people. What were they doing? Were they as lonely as I was? Was there anyone out there who cared? God, I cried, help me find the strength to leave.
Hitting the Wall
After ten years of marriage, I wanted out. Our love hadn't died in the heat of this battle or any other battle. It had died at the bottom of a wall it couldn't climb.
I remember clearly the day I laid the first brick. We'd been married nine months. We went to a movie and I waited for Larry to reach over and take my hand, thus proving the magic was still there. But he didn't and, as the movie progressed, I grew hurt and angry. He shrugged it off, surprised I was upset over such a little thing. To him it was nothing; to me it was the first sign our love wasn't perfect.
As the years passed, I added more bricks. When we were first married, he called me every day from work. But slowly those phone calls grew further apart and finally stopped. When I brought it up, he started calling again, but it wasn't the same. When we watched TV in the evening, he'd fall asleep. When we went out for dinner, he couldn't think of anything to say. His days off were measured by how much he got done—chores, work, and the children took priority. I got the crumbs, and I was starving.
I felt guilty for feeling the way I did; he wasn't abusive, he didn't run around with other women, he didn't drink or do drugs. He came home every night and worked hard to support our family. Despite this, the wall grew, built with bricks of buried anger, unmet needs, silences, and cold shoulders. The marriage books we read made things worse; counseling confused the issues.
Divorce seemed like the only answer. It would give me a chance to start over and find the right person. Yes, it would be hard on the children, but when I was finally happy, I'd be a better parent. In the long run, it would be better for all of us.
Divorce's Price Tag
Before taking that big step, I asked myself some key questions. First, would a divorce make me happier? Somewhere I read that people who divorce tend to remarry the same kind of person, that the root of unhappiness isn't in the people we marry but in ourselves. When I looked at my husband, I knew this was true. The trait in Larry that drew me to him—his calm exterior—also drove me crazy. He never complained, criticized, or caused a fuss. The downside was that when situations arose when he should get angry, he didn't. Once he was cheated in a business deal. I wanted him to confront the man who'd lied to him, but he wouldn't. His love of peace kept him from standing up for himself, making me think he was a moral marshmallow. But if I divorced Larry, I knew I'd marry someone with his same peaceful demeanor. And if I did, my problems would be multiplied by his kids, my kids, child support, and custody battles.
Originally published in: Today's Christian Woman, 2006, January/February, Vol. 28, Issue 1, Page 46
Related Topics:
Divorce, Love, Marriage, Loveless, Marriage, Saving a, Self-Examination
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steve
I appreciate your article and story, but you can't really tell me that god saved your marriage. Do you actually think it will last. Something may have rekindled it temporarily, but I highly doubt that will last either. Please understand that there are people out there that really need good advice, especially not from people who are trying to send another message on weak individuals. Please do us a favour and grow up.
Anonymous
I'm 52 years old. My first marriage ended after a year with "I don't love you and I never did". Now after almost 26 years of being married to a man who is learning disabled, has ADD and a personality disorder, I'm at the end of my rope. I lived through his lies, his lack of love for my self, our daughter aged 22( at 7 years old , she asked me why doesn't my Dad love me?)his parents ( why doesn't D. ever call me?) and his total lack of disrespect and responsibility. I sit here and question what does love feel like? I don't know what it feels like to be told that I am loved or to feel someones arms holding me. I came from a home where my mother has an untreated mental illness and my father lives with her as he has had a stroke and he will not leave her. I want to laugh, not cry. I want be loved.
A man
Thank you for sharing your story. It has blessed my spirit that there is hope for my marriage too!
Gladys
I appreciate this article. However having been in a loveless marriage for 11 years, I feel like I have done everything possible on my side yet there is no appreciation. He drinks late sometimes up to four nights a week. He comes home at 4am. He is not violent but every time I invite him home early, he promises but ends up late. I pray a lot for him but the prayers have not been answered. I used to cry a lot but these days I have changed myself by accepting him as he is but it is still a heavy load. Divorce or loveless marriage? Doesn't up to the same thing anyway if I am still depressed and lonely? Thanks.
Wisdom
I hear you and understand what you are saying. My situation is the same but different in a way because my husband is always busy if not ministry,its work and if not work hed rather come back home late or sit at the tv till late busy on his cell. i try to convince myself to think positive and to change but it is too hard. I send sms to tell him how much i care and how much i love him during the day and when i am looking forward to showing him how much i appreciate him in the evnings he might just call to tell me he is going to be home late/ might come back being moody. How do you still encourage yourself and hope that changing yourself will make things better and how do saty positive when you see there is no hope?
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