My Loveless Marriage
I lay in bed staring at the darkness. My husband, Larry, was snoring softly beside me. We'd just had another fight. I could hardly remember what had started it, but I knew we'd both said ugly, hateful things. Nothing had been resolved. We'd just gotten tired. Now he slept and I lay here, feeling utterly alone.
I crawled out of bed to check on our two sons. David, such a handful while awake, looked like an angel even though his face was sticky from the ice cream he'd eaten earlier. I pulled Matthew's covers back on his small body and smoothed his blond head. He needed a haircut. Working full-time, with two small sons to referee and a house to keep clean, I never had enough time to do it all.
Something drew me to the window. I could see the lights from downtown Seattle. So many people. What were they doing? Were they as lonely as I was? Was there anyone out there who cared? God, I cried, help me find the strength to leave.
Hitting the Wall
After ten years of marriage, I wanted out. Our love hadn't died in the heat of this battle or any other battle. It had died at the bottom of a wall it couldn't climb.
I remember clearly the day I laid the first brick. We'd been married nine months. We went to a movie and I waited for Larry to reach over and take my hand, thus proving the magic was still there. But he didn't and, as the movie progressed, I grew hurt and angry. He shrugged it off, surprised I was upset over such a little thing. To him it was nothing; to me it was the first sign our love wasn't perfect.
As the years passed, I added more bricks. When we were first married, he called me every day from work. But slowly those phone calls grew further apart and finally stopped. When I brought it up, he started calling again, but it wasn't the same. When we watched TV in the evening, he'd fall asleep. When we went out for dinner, he couldn't think of anything to say. His days off were measured by how much he got done—chores, work, and the children took priority. I got the crumbs, and I was starving.
I felt guilty for feeling the way I did; he wasn't abusive, he didn't run around with other women, he didn't drink or do drugs. He came home every night and worked hard to support our family. Despite this, the wall grew, built with bricks of buried anger, unmet needs, silences, and cold shoulders. The marriage books we read made things worse; counseling confused the issues.
Divorce seemed like the only answer. It would give me a chance to start over and find the right person. Yes, it would be hard on the children, but when I was finally happy, I'd be a better parent. In the long run, it would be better for all of us.
Divorce's Price Tag
Before taking that big step, I asked myself some key questions. First, would a divorce make me happier? Somewhere I read that people who divorce tend to remarry the same kind of person, that the root of unhappiness isn't in the people we marry but in ourselves. When I looked at my husband, I knew this was true. The trait in Larry that drew me to him—his calm exterior—also drove me crazy. He never complained, criticized, or caused a fuss. The downside was that when situations arose when he should get angry, he didn't. Once he was cheated in a business deal. I wanted him to confront the man who'd lied to him, but he wouldn't. His love of peace kept him from standing up for himself, making me think he was a moral marshmallow. But if I divorced Larry, I knew I'd marry someone with his same peaceful demeanor. And if I did, my problems would be multiplied by his kids, my kids, child support, and custody battles.
Originally published in: Today's Christian Woman, 2006, January/February, Vol. 28, Issue 1, Page 46
Related Topics:
Divorce, Love, Marriage, Loveless, Marriage, Saving a, Self-Examination
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Wisdom
I hear you and understand what you are saying. My situation is the same but different in a way because my husband is always busy if not ministry,its work and if not work hed rather come back home late or sit at the tv till late busy on his cell. i try to convince myself to think positive and to change but it is too hard. I send sms to tell him how much i care and how much i love him during the day and when i am looking forward to showing him how much i appreciate him in the evnings he might just call to tell me he is going to be home late/ might come back being moody. How do you still encourage yourself and hope that changing yourself will make things better and how do saty positive when you see there is no hope?
R M
I cannot tell you how much hope your article has given me. I am in the same situation and the whole world is telling me to love myself and give up. But I strongly believe that if I change myself many things can be changed in our marriage and everything I do in love like God has shown us, will help us to grow and recreate our marriage for the better. The feeling may be lost now but what we do in action and deeds are far greater than the wispy romantic notion of love that we tend to have.
Mike
To Hurting in Oregon, Your comments touched my heart. You were hurt by Christians who could not empathize with you or see the reality of the abuse. I'm sorry that happened to you. I will pray that Jesus would comfort you and heal your hurt. Find another church where the counsel is more sane. Most Christian pastors and priests I know would never advise a victim of abuse to stay. Also, don't confuse the wrong approach some Christians took with God's attitude towards you. He loves you intensely and cries with you. Run to him and let him take your anger and bitterness. He will always heal the brokenhearted. Love, Mike
HOPEFULL
Your words have touched me in a way that I have never been touched before. It's like you are speaking from my heart. The things that bother me about him like sleeping in front of the TV, not spending time with me, not holding my hands like he used to, being so loving to those who have hurt us. All this has been kept bottled up for 4 years and I always thought that I was him. I never once looked to see what I had done in order for him to be so indifferent about everything. I Thak you for being so open and honest about your experiences so that we may be blessed and know what is God's plan for our marriage. I know that with His strenght and my Humility the Lord will bless our marriage and transform the cold night, into loving and memorable ones. Again I thank you from the bottom of my heart and pray that the you would be blessed as you have blessed me. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you
Pamela
Very moving and inspiring. I have a new outlook on our problems and they're not all his! It's tough, but sometimes you just have to keep going. I love this man more than anything and I will do whatever it takes to keep this marriage. Thank you so much.
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