My Loveless Marriage
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I lay in bed staring at the darkness. My husband, Larry, was snoring softly beside me. We'd just had another fight. I could hardly remember what had started it, but I knew we'd both said ugly, hateful things. Nothing had been resolved. We'd just gotten tired. Now he slept and I lay here, feeling utterly alone.
I crawled out of bed to check on our two sons. David, such a handful while awake, looked like an angel even though his face was sticky from the ice cream he'd eaten earlier. I pulled Matthew's covers back on his small body and smoothed his blond head. He needed a haircut. Working full-time, with two small sons to referee and a house to keep clean, I never had enough time to do it all.
Something drew me to the window. I could see the lights from downtown Seattle. So many people. What were they doing? Were they as lonely as I was? Was there anyone out there who cared? God, I cried, help me find the strength to leave.
Hitting the Wall
After ten years of marriage, I wanted out. Our love hadn't died in the heat of this battle or any other battle. It had died at the bottom of a wall it couldn't climb.
I remember clearly the day I laid the first brick. We'd been married nine months. We went to a movie and I waited for Larry to reach over and take my hand, thus proving the magic was still there. But he didn't and, as the movie progressed, I grew hurt and angry. He shrugged it off, surprised I was upset over such a little thing. To him it was nothing; to me it was the first sign our love wasn't perfect.
As the years passed, I added more bricks. When we were first married, he called me every day from work. But slowly those phone calls grew further apart and finally stopped. When I brought it up, he started calling again, but it wasn't the same. When we watched TV in the evening, he'd fall asleep. When we went out for dinner, he couldn't think of anything to say. His days off were measured by how much he got done—chores, work, and the children took priority. I got the crumbs, and I was starving.
I felt guilty for feeling the way I did; he wasn't abusive, he didn't run around with other women, he didn't drink or do drugs. He came home every night and worked hard to support our family. Despite this, the wall grew, built with bricks of buried anger, unmet needs, silences, and cold shoulders. The marriage books we read made things worse; counseling confused the issues.
Divorce seemed like the only answer. It would give me a chance to start over and find the right person. Yes, it would be hard on the children, but when I was finally happy, I'd be a better parent. In the long run, it would be better for all of us.
Divorce's Price Tag
Before taking that big step, I asked myself some key questions. First, would a divorce make me happier? Somewhere I read that people who divorce tend to remarry the same kind of person, that the root of unhappiness isn't in the people we marry but in ourselves. When I looked at my husband, I knew this was true. The trait in Larry that drew me to him—his calm exterior—also drove me crazy. He never complained, criticized, or caused a fuss. The downside was that when situations arose when he should get angry, he didn't. Once he was cheated in a business deal. I wanted him to confront the man who'd lied to him, but he wouldn't. His love of peace kept him from standing up for himself, making me think he was a moral marshmallow. But if I divorced Larry, I knew I'd marry someone with his same peaceful demeanor. And if I did, my problems would be multiplied by his kids, my kids, child support, and custody battles.
Originally published in: Today's Christian Woman, 2006, January/February, Vol. 28, Issue 1, Page 46
Related Topics:
Divorce, Love, Marriage, Loveless, Marriage, Saving a, Self-Examination
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I was too young, now what!
Your story touched my heart, the tears I shed as I read your words made me relise just how much of a prison I truly am in. I know what you are saying could be true, but the thought of it not being true, makes me sad knowing that I may waste more of my life. I met my husband far to young, 14 yrs old. I am 30 yrs old now with 2 children. I have spent over half my life with this man and part of me loves him and another part hates him. I think for me is that over the past couple of years I feel like I have grown to a point where I look at life differently, if that makes any sense. What was okay, is not anymore. I just do not know how doing what you suggest is going to help me. If I go on doing things that make me happy, I am afraid I will just cont. to leave my husband behind and scared I could find myself interested in someone I feel more connected too. If I force myself to live for him, hoping for change I am still miserable, and living a lie.... My children are more important, so I feel
John
I thought it was a good story. It gives me strength to hold on. Better then given up and walking away. Especially when a child is involved.
K
My husband & I have a loveless marriage. I think we stay together because it is the right thing to do & because of our 4 kids. The kids are 7, 5, 3, & 3 months. I don't know that we have ever been intimate with eachother. You can have 4 children because you allowed your husband to sleep with you out of a sense of obligation. I no longer feel that sense of obligation. This is now a business relationship to me. I have asked God to help but I don't see anything happening. I love massages. He hates giving them. I love movies. He falls asleep. I love to make eye contact. He looks away. I love pillow talk. He is snoring a split second after his head hits the pillow. He thinks he is loving me by providing for us & buying me a gift or flowers now & then. I could care less about our house or the neighborhood we live in or some roses or chocolate or any gift. (He doesn't even buy my favorite chocolate, he buys Hersheys.) I wish I had a husband who liked to love me. I wish our legs would cross when we were in bed @ night. I wish we spooned together. I wish he would touch me all the time. I wish he would touch me SOME time. I wish the line between sexual touch & non-sexual touch were not even there. Now, if I ask him for a massage, I feel like a prostitute. He will give me a massage, hating it the whole time, & then hopes for sex. I feel like I married a robot. I am so starved of love & touch. We don't share the same dreams. We don't share ANY dreams. I gave him my wedding ring back today. I don't want it! I don't want anything from him. I guess, for today, I will just continue being the best mom I can be. I will do dishes & laundry & try to discipline the children on my own. I will continue to dream about moving somewhere away from this town that I grew up hating some day. I will dream of a time that I am not rejected day after day after day. I hope that my children will have a better life. I pray that they stay single rather than find themselves in such a situation. At this rate, I would not be surprised if I divorced him once the children were married & had lives of their own.
30 years of neglect
I appreciate your story as well, but the reason that "A Man" has hope for his marriage is that you are another story of how we women "prostitute" our lives to make a man love us. You did what all women do; you acted like a stupid girl. I acted like a stupid girl. For years I did exactly what you did. I changed, and changed, and changed, again, so that HE would be happy and love me. He doesn't. He made little effort to work on his marriage. I have wasted my life thinking that if I just try harder, my husband will finally love me and be a devoted husband and father. So, at 52 years old, I am finally leaving this marriage; I should have left a long time ago, while I was still young. I have lived a lifetime never knowing what have a true husband and partner really is, but more importantly, I will never know what it is like to be really loved. And, now it is too late.
Living in it for 23 years
Anonymous, I share the same situation. My husband has a learning disability and it is very frustrated. I know couples that one of them has a learning disability but they don't go through the same situation I go through. Often times I joke with my friends and refer to my husband as the landlord. He fixes up the house and if anything gets broken he would yell at us as if we were his tenants. I have 2 boys and 1 girl (21, 19, 18). My husband has never told me he loves me. He does not show my kids any love. He doesn't show any interest in their academics except when they fail then he would tell them how horrible they are and that they will not be anything in life. I believe just him giving the kids some love would have been good enough for me. I cannot ask him any question without being yelled at. My youngest son is 18 and he said he doesn't have a father. That makes my heart bleads. He will go out of his way to help everyone else but us. My kids cannot even ask him for a ride to go anywhere, he simply says NO. D
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