Opening the Door to Healing
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"Don'tcha wanna be married? Or have kids?"
I nodded, tears streaming down my five-year-old face, thorns and brambles cutting into my backside.
"You gotta do this, then, or you can't ever be married." The voice—which came from a teenage boy, accompanied by the snicker from his kid brother—would haunt me for 18 years until I got married.
It still haunts me.
The statistics about sexual crime both alarm and numb. According to the Department of Justice, by age 18, one in four women and one in six men have been sexually abused.
What happens to the titanic number of sexually abused men and women when they marry and enter regular sexual experiences with their mates? One study published in Contemporary Family Therapy estimates that 56 percent of women who were sexually abused as children feel discomfort during sex and 36 percent seek some sort of sexual therapy.
Although I told my husband, Patrick, about the abuse while we were dating, after we were married, I pretended immunity from my past trauma. But keeping up the charade wasn't so easy, since sex reminded me of the abuse. I didn't tell Patrick, though, because I felt guilty, as though I were a poor wife.
I hoped somehow I could work out everything through sheer willpower. So throughout our early married life, I tolerated sex, never letting Patrick know how much I was hurting. I'm not sure if I even knew the extent of my pain, at least enough to verbalize it.
When our eldest daughter turned five, however, I began to relive the molestation I'd experienced at her age. I felt the horror afresh. I saw those brothers steal my innocence on muddied nature trails, in secluded playgrounds, and in their bedroom.
I puzzled over the photos my divorced father took of nude women and his insistence that I bathe him while he sat naked in his claw-footed tub. I ached over my mother's lack of protection. I felt abandoned.
Although I grieved, I still didn't realize how much those experiences were poisoning my sexual relationship with Patrick. It wasn't until we went through some marital difficulties and I spent two years in counseling that I finally realized the problem.
Now 12 years into our marriage, Patrick and I see clearly how the past affected our relationship—especially sexually.
Fear of being used. I felt used easily. If Patrick didn't talk enough with me during the day, but then initiated sex, I'd remember that frightened five-year-old who was simply a rag doll to be played with. If he touched me in a way that triggered the abuser's touch, I'd grit my teeth and silently recoil.
I'd think, Men want only to use me. I'm just a plaything. My resentment grew toward Patrick, yet I remained quiet, and he grew frustrated that I wouldn't tell him the problem.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2005, Fall, Page 38
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jklm
Sexual abuse that happens as an adult affects marriages, too. When I was first in college I had a boyfriend who coerced and manipulated me into a sexual relationship I would never have agreed to under normal circumstances (I was a committed Christian, wanted to wait until marriage). He was also emotionally abusive. By the time that relationship was over, I was damaged emotionally, just stripped of all that I had been before I met him. When I got married several years later, I initially enjoyed sex, but after we had our child everything changed and I just felt used. So much of the time I was so exhausted and I felt that if DH really loved me he would be understanding and not want sex. We've been married nearly 21 years now and still have problems with sex. I think it's been over a year since we did it. So ALL sexual abuse can be bad for future marriages.
kjlvr
Sorry, I ran out of space, due to the character limitations. I wanted to add that with the little that she has shared, she mentioned that when it happened, that she enjoyed it and it felt good. To me, that does not make sense. She has told me that she has had a few sexual partners and that they were all during a relationship. Never having any one night stands, etc. But, that she was "checked out" when they were intimate. But, has mentioned that the frequency was high. As I look at our relationship, our frequency is low, and she has admitted this, and she has admitted that it is a problem. What suggestions can you give me so that I can remain patient, understanding, and help not only her, but also myself, as we continue? Thank you
kjlvr
Hi, I have just discovered this article, "Opening The Door To Healing", as I am researching to learn more about partners who were sexually abused as a child. My girlfriend (we are both in our 40s) recently opened up to me and shared some of her story with me. I had no idea, and we were discussing our lack of sexual intimacy. I held her and told her that we will work through this, and that I do not want to push the topic of her past. If and when she is ever truly comfortable to talk about it, I will be here to listen and be here for her. She expressed how grateful she is and there is a shared feeling of our relationship being much closer now. From my point of view, as I am reading all kinds of things, my insecurities pop up and I feel gross. Mostly because a couple of articles have mentioned that those that were sexually abused become promiscuous later in life to gain the "control" back. I think, why am I the one that gets the lack of sexual intimacy, etc. Does that make sense?
Peggy
I can relate to so much of your story. I've been married 40 years but have never been able to have a normal, healthy sexual relationship with my husband because of my sexual abuse as a little girl. We've learned to live with it but we've both missed so much because of it and I continue to pray for healing in this area.
Loretta
after 36 years of marriage I can say it took many years before I could talk about the "problem" (sexual abuse and it's effect on us sexually). After years of counseling it got better. There are times it's difficult, but healing does happen. It's a process. For years I'd kind of "black out" and my husband would feel hurt thinking I didn't care about him. It was from the abuse not because of him. With us both working on the problems and counseling and prayer, I'm healing and we're doing better. Hope is...God can heal if you open your heart to let him, and do the work the process of healing requires. Not easy, but possible.
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