She Tells Our Business

Also: "Love, But Not In Love"; "He Wants to Leave Church"; "He Shuts Me Out"

Gary and Carrie Oliver

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Q. My wife talks too much about things I feel are private. I've spoken to her about it, but she doesn't think it's a big deal. Am I making too much over this?

A. The issue isn't whether or not she thinks it's a big deal. The reality is that whenever one spouse has a concern, it affects the marriage and becomes something both spouses need to address. If one spouse thinks something is a big deal, then it's a big deal.

But merely telling her you don't like how much she reveals to others may not be a message she can understand. Before you bring up the subject again, take several days to think and pray through your feelings. What is it about her sharing that bothers you? Are there certain topics that are more sensitive than others? What do you feel when you overhear these conversations? Embarrassed? Exposed? Exploited?

Let your wife know that when she talks about issues that concern your relationship or you personally, you feel she's inviting others into a place that belongs only to the two of you, and that feels invasive and disrespectful. Explain that if she's comfortable talking about herself, that's her choice. But when she shares things that involve both of you, she compromises your ability to trust her, which in turn affects your intimacy level.

Here's a fair rule many couples have adopted that reflects respect and healthy boundaries: "If something involves personal information about me, then I decide how much is to be shared, and with whom. Likewise, my spouse is free to share whatever she wants about herself."

Love, but not in love

Q. I'm married to the most loving and understanding man. I love him dearly; however, I feel no physical attraction toward him. I'm sad to admit I was in a sexual relationship before my husband and I met. While that relationship was physically and intellectually satisfying, he wasn't a Christian and not committed to me.

When I met my husband, I hoped the sexual side would follow. Now I find myself fantasizing about my previous relationship. While I don't want to destroy my family, I long for the desires described in Song of Songs. Especially since I've experienced them before.

A. One of the many unfortunate consequences of being sexually active before marriage is that the abnormal and transient high we get can become the standard for everything that follows. It's like enjoying the thrill that comes from going down the first big dip of a roller coaster and then spending the rest of your life searching for the same feeling.

When the apostle Paul describes God as one who wants to do "immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine" (Ephesians 3:20), we believe that includes our sexual relationships. God designed marriage between a man and a woman to be the place we can experience the greatest joy and fulfillment.

The first step is for you and your husband intentionally to cultivate ways to enjoy the deepest levels of intimacy—those that come by allowing God to knit your hearts and bodies together in love.

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2004, Winter

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