She Has Breast Cancer

Also: "He won't bathe!"; "Vacation expectations"; "Infertility testing"

By Gary and Carrie Oliver

Average Rating: Not rated

[0 Comment]

There are no previous pages

1 of 3

Q. My wife was recently diagnosed with breast cancer and had a mastectomy. I'm searching for ways to let her know that, even without that "body part," I'm in love with the real her. How can I be supportive without being offensive?

A. We compliment you on your sensitivity, love, and concern for your wife and your desire to support her during this time of loss. I (Carrie) remember when my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer. We spent time with her shortly after her surgery. It gripped me to hear her tearfully express how she felt looking at what she considered her now deformed body.

One of the most valuable things you can do is try to understand what your wife feels during this time of loss, transition, and readjustment. She's grieving and making adjustments, both from the mastectomy and the reality of cancer. This experience can cause overwhelming sadness, anger, anxiety, and depression.

As someone who's gone through several cancer surgeries, I (Gary) can tell you that once you've had cancer you never look at yourself or at life the same way. Don't be surprised if she experiences and expresses a wide range of emotions, and don't be surprised if you do too.

While the parts of our body don't determine who we are, they are a part of who we are. For a woman breasts are an especially significant part of her anatomy. Even with reconstructive surgery your wife will never be or look the same again. This is a significant loss she must grieve.

There are many ways you can encourage her. When she expresses sadness or grief, sit with her, hold her, touch her, and join in her sorrow. Instead of trying to make it better or "fix" something, ask first if she knows what she needs from you at that moment. Let her put that into words if she can. If she needs affirmation that she's still beautiful, tell her she is. If she needs reassurance that you'll continue to find her attractive, then reassure her. If she can't put into words what she needs, then simply tell her you love her deeply, you share her sadness, you're not going anywhere, and that with God's help together you'll grow through this.

Remember—sometimes comfort and encouragement don't require your words but merely your presence. Hold her hand. Stroke her hair. Look in her eyes. Laugh with her. Go for walks. Take her to a movie. Pray with and for her. Ask the Comforter (the Holy Spirit) to be present in ways that only he can. The most important thing you can give your wife right now is your willingness to join her in her grief and loss, and your ability to be a visible model of the eternal hope we have through Christ.

next page... |

There are no previous pages

1 of 3

Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2005, Summer, Page 12

More from By Gary and Carrie Oliver:
Kyria.com | Books

Join the Kyria.com Community!

Become a member to have access to the following:

Full access to the bimonthly Kyria digizine, each issue focusing on a spiritual discipline or theme
50 percent discount on all of the downloadable resources in the Kyria Store
Hundreds of members-only articles for thoughtful, influential women