I'm Blamed for Everything

Also: "I Married a Clutter Bug" and "Is Cosmetic Surgery Okay?"

Gary and Carrie Oliver

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Q. My husband and I have been married for a year. When we've had differences, we end up blaming each other and we're worse off than we started. When he's talking I listen and suggest ways to resolve the problem—but to him my suggestions are my telling him what to do. And if I express my feelings, he blames me for the problem. I don't know what to do or say where I won't be blamed!

A. We had a similar struggle when we were first married. I (Carrie) thought I was a great listener and Gary thought he was a great listener. We both heard what the other person said but we didn't understand what they meant. That's because we weren't really listening.

You may think you listen, but would he say you understand him? There's a big difference! We listen five times as fast as someone speaks. That means we have a lot of time for our minds to wander. When they wander they usually go to what "we" think are the best solutions to "their" problem.

The first step is for you to really understand him. That means when he's talking you aren't thinking about what you're going to say. When he's done, don't jump in with your solutions. Ask him questions to clarify what he said. Then restate what he said in your own words—without trying to resolve the problem—and ask if you're close to what he meant.

It sounds as if you both love each other and want to help the other person change. Change really takes place only when we're willing to apply Psalm 139:23-24 to our lives and ask God to change us first: "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." Remember, it takes only one person to make the first step.

I Married a Clutter Bug

Q. My wife's clutter is cheating us out of deeper intimacy because I'm always angry and as a result detached. I think about leaving. I don't want to—but I'm overwhelmed by the mess! What can I do?

A. It sounds as if you're blaming your anger on your wife. The reality is that you're being cheated out of deeper intimacy because of your unwillingness to take responsibility for your own emotions.

If you spend time thinking about leaving, then think about something else. What you let your mind focus on is your choice. Philippians 4:8 says we can choose to let our mind dwell on whatever is true, honorable, right, pure, and lovely.

Start by taking responsibility for your own stuff. Choose to understand your emotions and learn healthy ways to express them. Ask God to give you insight into what's going on inside you. Then choose to invest the next six months encouraging your wife. You've discovered how to approach her in ways that don't work. Now try something different. Become her encourager. At the same time, don't ignore what frustrates you.

Talk to your wife and explain how the clutter affects you. Then ask her what small step she might be willing to take to meet you halfway. Perhaps she views your concerns as all-or-nothing demands that she feels she can't meet. Her suggestions might be a pleasant surprise.

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2003, Winter

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