Pots and Plans

When the non-stick stoveware was ruined, Janine and Steve Petry realized they needed a better way to treasure their possessions and each other She Said: "We'll just have to buy a new one" He Said: "We have to take care of things"

By Janine Petry

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Janine's side: We'll just buy a new one

My family had a little slogan, and my grandfather said it best in his New York-Italian accent: "Whateva." It's a motto that fit any situation. If you burned dinner, forgot to mail a card, or broke something—whateva. Mistakes happen, and things can be replaced. It's not that we were careless people—we just didn't dwell on the negative, or make the "guilty party" feel bad. We dealt with mishaps quickly and moved on.

But Steve didn't share my philosophy. If I accidentally damaged something—such as when I shrunk a sweater in the laundry—he'd over-react. He acted as though it were the only sweater he owned, the only one he'd ever own. I thought he was making a big deal over harmless accidents. I'd rather just replace something than create a big problem over it.

The more time passed, the more we clashed over our opposing viewpoints. I felt as though every mistake I made provided an opportunity for Steve to criticize me. When I accidentally scratched our new non-stick pots and pans by using metal utensils, Steve just couldn't let it go.

"Pots get scratched," I said. "Did you think we were going to have them forever? Once these are worn out, we'll just get new ones. Why are you so obsessed with keeping everything perfect? They're just pots."

"That's the problem," Steve shot back. "You see it as just a pot. But it's not about the pot. It's about stewardship. You don't even make an effort to keep the things we have in good shape. Because you don't care, accidents keep happening."

Steve's over-reacting made me feel terrible. Why couldn't he just let it go?

Steve's side: We have to take care of things

I grew up in a home where nothing was taken for granted. Money was tight, so we took good care of our possessions to make them last as long as possible.

If I ruined a toy or piece of clothing, I might not get another. Although sometimes that was a difficult lesson, it taught me to be responsible and thankful for what I had.

Janine's attitude toward our things confused me. While I can understand an occasional accident, her repeated discarding of perfectly good clothing or household items as a result of foolish mistakes was frustrating. It wasn't about the things themselves; it was about her attitude. All I could see was carelessness and indifference. When our new cookware was permanently scratched, that was too much for me to take.

"You can't use metal utensils on these," I told her. "I'm not sure how much longer they'll last at this rate, and we can't afford to buy new ones. Why didn't you read the instructions?"

Her response was flat. "What does it matter now? It's in the past and I can't change it. People make mistakes, you know."

Janine was acting as if nothing happened, which irritated me. I just wanted her reassurance that the problem wasn't going to happen again. Why can't she understand we need to take care of what we have?

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2006, Spring, Page 16

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