My Husband was Addicted to Porn
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I have a confession to make: I've have been married to a sex addict for most of my 25-year marriage. For much of that time, I hid my shameful secret. I'd tell myself my husband, Paul, was normal, that every man was into pornography. All the while, I silently suffered tremendous damage to my self-worth, blaming myself for my husband's problem.
I never caught Paul looking at pornographic magazines, watching x-rated movies, or surfing pornographic Web sites. Instead, I found out by his own admission. Since he was a Christian while involved in these activities, his guilt eventually got to him—and he had to confess.
When I finally stopped denying the seriousness of his addiction, life seemed unmanageable. How could I cope with my crippling emotions of pain, anger, and shame? How could we go on? I needed answers—but didn't know where to turn.
When Paul and I married, I wasn't a Christian yet, and Paul had become one just a month before we wed. When I finally accepted Christ, our marriage should have followed the "happily ever after" route. But we learned the hard way that becoming a believer doesn't automatically eradicate your family inheritance.
When Paul was 10 years old, his father left his mother for the neighbor down the street. Paul's mother went back to work, leaving him unsupervised with his two teenage brothers, who introduced him to porn. When Paul became a teen, he became sexually active. Sex made him feel cared about; it replaced the care and concern he missed at home.
Paul's addiction to pornography filled me with feelings of failure, guilt, shock, devastation, and hopelessness. I didn't know what to do when he came with a confession of his activity. I felt as though my heart broke into a million pieces. My worth as a woman plummeted, and I put up walls to close out any emotional or physical intimacy with him. It would take me weeks before I could allow myself to be intimate with Paul again.
Although Paul confessed, he was unable to stop. When he saw the unbelievable pain I experienced, he'd be overcome with remorse. We fell into a pattern: Paul would confess his involvement in pornography, beg for forgiveness, then promise never to do it again. But—he would.
I could always tell when Paul experienced a failure. He'd behave as someone who had something to hide but would become offended that I didn't trust him. Finally, after weeks of questioning him, Paul would confess that my suspicions were right.
One evening, as Paul and I took a walk, he confessed that while I was at Bible camp with our kids, he'd bought a pornographic magazine and indulged. How could I be of any value to Paul if he continued to repeat this destructive habit? What could I do to help him? So I'd take partial blame, then forgive him—again.
This happened at least a dozen times before I finally came to the end of my rope. After 12 years of marriage, I'd suffered in silence long enough. It was time to go to a counselor for help, I told Paul, or he'd have to live somewhere else. The threat of having our family and friends find out about his addiction forced Paul to get help.
Originally published in: Today's Christian Woman, 2001, May/June, Vol. 23, Issue 3, Page 74
Related Topics:
Addiction, Counseling, Guilt, Hopelessness, Marriage, Pornography, sex, Sexual addiction
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Sarah
Megan, this isn't meant to come across as mean... but... are you stupid? Do you have any idea what you're getting yourself into? You're not married to this man, he is your boyfriend. I suggest you RUN before you get yourself some serious heartache. Had I known what I know now, I would not have married my husband. Marriage is for life. Dating is not. I suggest you find a man who has some self control NOW.
Tiffany
I've been married to my husband for 5 years just this passed summer. Before that we went to school together and dated for 4 years before getting married. We have two small boys as well. I knew about his addicition to porne that he fell into when his parents devorced but he had never, to my knowledge endulged since we were together. Untill this passed week. I found dozen of porne cites on my computer. He had been stressed with work and his relationship with his father and seemed depressed due to those things. When I asked he always told me he was fine. Now I know that he was lying to me the whole time. We talked and cried and he is turely repentive but how do I go on like before? How do I know that when he looks at me he is seeing me, or someone else? How do I know that when he kisses me he is really kissing me or someone else? How do I know that when he says good bye and goes to work or out with freinds that he is doing what he said? Its tough. I love him and I know God has forgiven him, I said I forgive him but I dont think I have in my heart yet. What gets me the most is that I saved myself for him totally 100% and now after 5 years of marriage he is willing to risk it all on a moment of lustful, degrading images of other women that I will never measure up to in appearance, figure, behaviour or any of. Nore do I ever want to! It just hurts and no matter how many times he tells me that it has nothing to do with me, that these images aren't even what he likes in a women, it doesn't change the fact that he's my one and only experience yet he has seen and watched other women while being married to me. It makes me feel discardable and unwanted. Anyway. God is bigger than all of this and one day God will bring me to the point where I can feel totally safe in my husbands arms, but until then pray!
Alicia
Hi ladies. I completely understand what you are going through. My husband also has a sexual addiction. We are both believers in Christ but I struggle for patience. We have been together for four years and have small children. I am getting worm down and frustrated with being the patient wife. I have prayed for each of you and your husbands. Let's lift each other up in prayer. God bless.
Robyn
Thank you for this...I am going through the exact same situation with my husband. I needed to read this.
Megan
My boyfriend had been addicted to porn, on and off for the past five years. He's been clean for 2 months now, praise God. I am 16 and i'm working through things that most married women never have to go through. It is extremely painful; though I am glad that he told me so that he, the Lord and I can work through it. It's so, so difficult, upsetting, angering and hurtful sometimes. But, God is bigger than his addiction. I know we'll make it. We're determined. I'll be praying for all of you and please be in prayer for me and my boyfriend also. Thank you.
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