The Appeal of Porn
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Laurie* had collapsed into bed at nine o'clock wiped out, as usual, from eight hours at work, coming home, preparing supper, and getting three school children to bed. She also managed to put a load of laundry into the washer and clean up the kitchen. Her husband, Tim, helped her with the dishes, promised to put the clothes into the dryer, then he kissed her goodnight. Now, something had roused her from sleep enough to realize Tim wasn't lying beside her. She liked it when they went to bed together and felt guilty that she couldn't stay awake with him. But when she looked at the clock, which read 2 a.m., she got miffed. This was the second time this week—that she knew of—that he'd stayed up far past his usual bedtime.
Where is he? Laurie thought. The first night she awoke to find him gone, she just rolled over and fell back asleep. But tonight she couldn't seem to do that. So after a few restless minutes, she got up to find him. She groped her way down the dark hallway and saw a dim light emanating from the family room. Tim's watching tv at this time of night? Laurie thought. What on earth could he be watching? She made her way quietly toward the family room and stopped abruptly, shocked at what she saw. On the screen were several naked women in various sexual activities with a naked and aroused man. Tim was on the couch, equally aroused and so totally transfixed he was unaware of her presence.
Laurie was devastated and didn't know what to do. She felt betrayed, humiliated, furious that he'd do such a disgusting thing. As she gasped in horror and disbelief, Tim looked around and quickly and shamefully turned off the TV, then covered himself with his robe.
Laurie and Tim talked until dawn. She immediately assumed he was addicted to pornography and wondered how long this had been going on. Finally, once she was able to really think and listen to Tim's confession, she was convinced he wasn't addicted. Laurie realized she hadn't seen anything during their marriage to make her suspicious until this week. No unusual phone or Internet charges. No hidden magazines or videos. No subscription bills for adult channels, and until Monday night, no late nights coming to bed.
Tim confessed he'd looked at pornography some in college and a few weeks earlier a guy in his office had called him over to see some Internet site. That exposure had awakened his long abandoned fascination. So he'd rented an x-rated video after work on Monday and watched it that night and tonight.
He didn't try to justify his behavior and was deeply filled with remorse and shame. His confession recalled for both of them the apostle Paul's words in Romans 7:24: "What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?"
Those words sum up the lament from thousands of Christian men who seem enslaved by the silky, sexual images of pornography.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2002, Fall
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Roger
Nicole, There are exceptions to every principle. Norm and I were writing for the situation that the majority of couples find themselves in. As I wrote before, Christians couples can have a healthy sexual relationship but the husband have a stronger sex drive. In that case the husband needs to find ways to control himself without resorting to pornography or affairs. A hobby that he is passionate about is a good start.
Nicole
Roger and Norm, I will have to take issue with your opinions. What about those of us who do have a healthy sex life, not just according to the wife, but to the husband, those wives who do believe that they are attractive to their husbands and who display that attractiveness at home as often as possible? What do you say to me, and other wives like me, who have husbands who struggle with this disheartening addiction? Who have had their husband in an affair, inspite of doing everything they can to be sexual for them? It is not to be put at the feet of the women at all - the men are to control their urges. God wants the marriage bed honored by all - eyes and minds too, not just the sex organs. Men need to build a hedge around their eyes, honoring God, no matter what the circumstances may be. I love my husband very much, and do what i can to help, but sometimes it is not enough, and that is between him and God, not him and me. He needs to honor God with his choices at all times.
Mogarth McNugget
This article completely ignores couples that view porn *TOGETHER* as my wife and I do. It has only strengthened our relationship. And there is nothing anyone here can say to change my mind about that.
Tami
In the interest of moving away from sexual stereotypes, not all men have a strong sex drive. Some men will deprive their wives physically as well as emotionally. Some are very good emotionally but still deprive their wives physically. Articles do a great job of talking to a segment of the female population while completely alienating another segment.
Roger
Bonnie, Excellent points! I hope I didn't come across as defending porn. You're right. The husband has a responsibility to love his wife in a way that make her feel loved. But God made men and women such that men tend to have a much stronger biological sex drive than do women. So men are going to be frustrated much of the time no matter how good the marriage is emotionally. Men need to learn how to deal with that frustration without resorting to porn. Wives need to learn to have sex when they don't feel like it. If they don't, the husband has no choice but to find another outlet. Man's desire for sex is totally driven by a hormone, testosterone. Take away that hormone and he has no interest in sex whatsoever. And the hormone leaves him few choices. Sometimes I think marriages would be better if a couple had the children they wanted and then the man got castrated.
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