The Three Most Important Choices
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[0 Comment]Several years ago a movie called Family Man came out. The story begins with Jack and Kate, a committed couple whose relationship seems destined to end in marriage. But then Jack receives a chance to go to Europe to study for a year. At the airport as they're saying goodbye to each other, Kate gets a funny feeling that if he leaves, it won't be a good choice for their relationship.
"Wait," Kate says. "I have a really bad feeling … . I know we've talked about this a thousand times, and we agreed that you going to London was the right thing to do. But in my heart this feels wrong … . Let's flush the plan. Let's start our lives right now, today. I mean, I have no idea what this life is going to look like, but I know it has the both of us in it and I choose us. The plan doesn't make us great, Jack. What we have together, that's what makes us great."
Jack tells her he loves her and "one year in London is not going to change that. A 100 years couldn't change that." And he boards the plane.
Marriage is about choices. At the altar, many couples say, I choose us, but what they're really saying is, I choose you to help me be happier and to be more fulfilled and to have more fun. I choose you to help me feel better about me.
Ultimately, that's a different choice from the one God calls us to in a Christ-centered marriage. So what are God's choices?
Choosing Forgiveness
After many years studying couples, marriage researcher John Gottman found a determiner for why some couples make it in their marriage and others don't. He discovered those who thought negatively about their spouse were more likely to divorce than those who thought positively, or assumed the best, about their spouse.
Here are a few examples of the negative thoughts that may pop into our minds: She's not meeting my needs. She doesn't care about me. She meant to hurt me. Or He loves his work better than me. He prefers his sports. I'm sure he's having a love affair with that computer.
That's where choosing the way we'll think about our spouse comes in. Which attitude will we take? Thinking positively and assuming the best? Or thinking negatively and assuming the worst? Ultimately it's about allowing forgiveness to become a vital part of our relationship.
In a Christ-centered marriage, forgiving and being forgiven are essential—and often a daily experience, because it's not always about the big stuff. It's the he-didn't-take-out-the-trash-again kind of thing. Or the she-didn't-say-hello-when-I-walked-in-the-door. Small things build over time, and if not taken care of, can lead to the big stuff, such as affairs.
Why do we daily practice forgiveness in our marriage? To be heard by God, and to receive forgiveness for our sins. Here's what Jesus had to say about the importance of forgiveness:
"You can pray for anything, and if you believe, you will have it. But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too" (Mark 11:24-25, NLT).
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2007, Winter, Page 22
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