The Next Nineteen Days
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We have just 19 days left. I am all too aware that these might be our last ones. If that's true, then what would we have left each other? I'm wondering. And hoping to answer well.
I remember like yesterday when he asked me to marry him. He started out by reminding me, "PKD [polycystic kidney disease] is a genetic disorder. When they tested me when I was 16, they said I didn't have it, but you just never know. It's only fair to warn you."
And I remember my answer: "I'd rather have 20 years of wonderful with you than to have never been your wife." I meant it then and I mean it now.
Small Bones of a Marriage
It's just that I'm so angry. This wasn't the deal, I rage to myself on occasion. But then, yes, it was. On my wedding day, a day filled with white dress, penguin tuxedos, the fragrance of flowers, friends, and fresh beginnings, it seemed a breezy thing to utter. For better or worse. For richer or poorer. In sickness and in health. For as long as we both shall live.
I just never considered that one of us might not live.
I wish I could say that such things overshadow all of marriage's burr-like irritations, but I'd be lying. But there is also that unbearable sticky sweetness in my soul, a heart that snaps pictures like crazy, wondering if any of this might be a last time.
Spooning just before drifting off to sleep. Holding hands and laughing while sitting together and watching an episode of M*A*S*H after the children are upstairs asleep.
The sound of his laugh. The way he loves to tease our four girls. The way he knows to order me a Diet Coke with lime at any restaurant. His generosity in watching untold numbers of chick flicks and Disney movies, given that our house swims in estrogen.
The feel of his calloused, warm hands on me. His smile and the way our eyes can communicate without a spoken word: I want out of here. I'd like to go get a treat. Come upstairs with me.
These are the ordinary things that comprise some small bones of a marriage. I place all these things in my heart, gathering them up like marbles in a jar, like treasures to take out and hold at a later time. Shiny things in case they might be all I have.
Letting Some Things Go
But we've also left a legacy. Our children. Our home. Our faith. Our rock solid commitment to stay with each other no matter what.
"We want a fiftieth anniversary if it kills us," we've often joked. "Sometimes we're just closer to death than others!"
It doesn't seem as funny today. In 19 more days, a precious live donor will share one of her kidneys with the love of my life. It is our hope that this operation saves his life. I'm counting on that.
And so, today, I let him leave the sink water running while he brushes his teeth. I know it drives him crazy when I shut it off and mention how much greener we are with silent sinks. It's a small thing.
Related Topics:
Health, Legacy, longing, Love, Transitions, Family
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Alison
My husband and I honestly strive to live each day like this...I cashed in on the 'in sickness and health vows' pretty quickly on our 1st wedding anniversary when I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. We never took our marriage for granted, but we especially don't since that fateful day. It's an awful lot to go through @ 24 years old, we were newly married,sitting across the desk from a Dr. telling us I had cancer hanging out in my neck. It definetly helps you to not sweat the small stuff. We are so grateful for that hard time in our lives, for the way it grew our faith, our love for God, and each other. I thank God everday He blesses me to be able to spend with the love of my life and my amazing family, of course.
RJ
Cindy's article put my feelings into words, not only about the incredible, loving man in my life but also about my parents and brother. I often think from the perspective she describes, being in the moment yet wondering how to capture it, even in the midst of feeling very content and blessed. It encourages me to be a better person, more patient, more loving, more Christlike--but of course I still fail at times. How precious time together can be, it's the simple things Cindy describes that stay with us and mean the most. I see God's grace, love and blessing shining through these moments and the most important people in our lives. Praise God that the transplant went well!
Josee
Thanks dear sister for the wonderful story. May the Lord protect your dear husband
Cheryl
You expressed it so well, sister. This love that God teaches us, with what He created -- marriage -- it's an awesome thing. It's a God thing. We celebrate our 20th anniversary next week. Glory to God.
Mary Brown(Registered User)
That's so true: we don't know. I could have only 19 days left with my wonderful husband and not know until something happens 19 days from now and there are no more days. No more chances to tell him how much he means to me, or show him he is more important to me than anything or anyone else in the world except my relationship with my Lord. Makes you stop and think. If today was the last time I would have with my guy, what would I want to have said or done? Would I wish I had done anything differently? Thank you.
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