Turn Your Fizzle … Into Sizzle
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You know the feeling. Your relationship with your husband is just okay. You can't put your finger on why, but the bacon's not sizzling. At this point, you have two options: One, keep your marriage on cruise control and hope for the best; or two, pull over, lift the hood, and check the spark plugs.
In our 22 years of marriage, I've experienced plenty of days where the sparks simply fizzle. But when the occasional day sputters into months of marital mediocrity, it's time for a tune-up.
I used to blame the sad state of our union on everything from our house full of teenagers to my husband David's passionate involvement in his chosen vocation. But as draining as those situations can sometimes be, I finally discovered it wasn't our lack of time together that created our biggest problems. Instead, it was usually my attitude that kept all cylinders from firing. I've learned that when I eliminate these troublesome attitudes, my marriage starts sizzling instead of fizzling. Yours can, too!
Guys Don't Need Emotional Support.
One of the things that attracted me to my husband, David, was his inner strength. He supported me through all kinds of challenges, rarely expressing any needs of his own. Once high-maintenance children arrived, David's low emotional requirements came in handy for me. Then two of his long-time friends and coworkers resigned, and less than six months later, David underwent another major vocational setback. For the first time in his life, David's confidence was in the basement. My Superman became vulnerable, and I was forced to take back the red cape and bullet-proof vest I'd unconsciously assigned him at our wedding. Though it made me feel uncomfortable, it was crucial I listen to his comment, "I need you to let me be needy sometimes." Fortunately for David, his crisis lasted just long enough to do its work in me, too. I had to grow up, become less demanding, and commit myself to asking about the condition of his heart a minimum of once a week. Now when David shows signs of fatigue, silence, or distraction, I know he may be nearing an emotional drought. If I'm patient enough to draw him out, the sharing refreshes us both.
Show Me The Money!
When I stayed home full-time, money was the hot topic of many late-night debates with my husband. In the wee hours of the night, I'd pledge compliance with the budget, but once David cooled off, I'd slip back into overspending, complaining, and pouting. Ignoring the financial realities of our marriage sent a clear message to David: "You'll never make enough to satisfy me." My lack of cooperation frustrated and demotivated him. When we added a second income, our balance still barely budged. Eventually I had to face the fact that the problem was with me, not my bank account. To improve my concept of money, I've asked David to walk me through the budget every few months to remind me of our financial commitments and goals. Seeing it in writing helps me follow through.
Originally published in: Today's Christian Woman, 1999, March/April, Vol. 21, Issue 2, Page 48
Related Topics:
Attitudes, Cooperation, Marriage, Money, Self-centeredness, sex
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Ty
I am a husband, and see some of myself in here too. God bless my wife for what she does, and maybe we can meet in the middle once again. Thanks.
GLORY
I truly love this article. There are so many issue in my life which this article has addressed and I hope to start making adjustmentS quickly to make my marriage SIZZLE. Thanks a million.
Carina
Wow! This made me shamefully aware of how I was breaking my husband down under the vise of "trying to help him". Maybe I'm so tired all the time because I'm living not only my life, but his as well?? Thank you for a great article.
Liese
Ecellent article! My husband and I have been married for 43 years. Just this month, I found the book HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS Building An Affair-proof Marriage by Willard F. Harley, Jr. I started reading this out loud as my husband was relaxing in the evening and to my surprise, he wanted me to read more. We are reading this together every evening now and it has given us so much insight. I wish we could have had this book in the early years of marriage....it would have helped us understand each other's differences and needs a lot better and avoid many of the sad times we had.
Anonymous
thank u...a big thank u... im not sure if its a common tendency for women to expect their husbands to be fullfilling them in a way that only GOd can.. but it drove me til i was pretty much dissatisfied with everything about out relationship... this helped.. really did
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