Chasing Your Dreams
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[0 Comment]Every school child knows that the proper ending to a fairy tale is for the handsome prince and beautiful princess to ride off together into "happily ever after." The dragons and evil witches have been vanquished, and all of the couple's dreams will come true.
The operative phrase here is fairy tale. In real life, some dreams may come true, but not all of them, and never by magic. But the heady exhilaration and deep-down satisfaction of falling in love does have a fairy tale quality to it. Marital therapist Harville Hendrix, in Getting the Love You Want (Harper & Row), says, "We enter marriage with the expectation that our partners will magically restore this feeling of wholeness. It is as if they hold the key to a long-ago kingdom."
Left unchecked, this expectation will put unrealistic pressures on each spouse and on the marriage. In marriages that last, husbands and wives move toward a less idealized view of both the marriage and each other and toward a more realistic approach to working out their relationship. In this process, however, it's important to nurture your dreams, approaching them as two ordinary people working together to achieve all that is possible.
The Early Years Dreams Unlimited
Kate peered over the top of her textbook at Brad, who was sitting at the desk doing calculations and sighing. He looked tired—as tired as she felt.
"Want to take a break?" she asked.
"Sure, I guess I need one. Let's go for a walk."
The evening air revived them a little, but they both felt the heaviness as Brad told Kate their expenses were mounting more quickly than anticipated, especially with the recent increase in their rent. Although Brad was working full-time and Kate part-time while she finished her graduate degree, their income didn't cover as much as they thought it would. They were able to meet expenses, but they were putting much less into savings than they had hoped.
"Maybe I could do some freelance consulting on evenings and weekends," Brad suggested. "That would help us get ahead a little faster."
Although the topic was discouraging, it did feel good to be talking—something they seemed to have little time for lately. As they talked, they recalled the dreams they used to have of all they would accomplish together: Brad would move up in the computer consulting firm he worked for, and Kate would finish her masters degree and get a job with flexible hours. Along the way, they would save enough money for a down payment on a house and start a family. And they would accomplish all of this before they hit 30. It still seemed possible, but now it felt more tiring than exhilarating.
"What gets to me the most is the fact that we don't have much time together anymore," said Kate. "If you start doing freelance work, we'll have even less time. I didn't get married to lead separate lives."
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1998, Winter
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