Does Your Marriage Need a Tune-Up?
Average Rating: 
[2 Comments]
Couples generally enter marriage with engines revving, but sooner or later find their relationship "idling." The thrill is gone, arguments easily become overheated, and the pressure of jobs, kids and a mortgage is on. What causes this once smooth-running machine to knock and sputter?
Warning Lights
The biggest culprits are dangerous patterns of thinking that wear your marriage down and lead to big blow-outs. When conflicts become habitual, it's not surprising that you begin to think negatively far more often than you consider your marriage's positive aspects. Here are a few of the warning lights. Any of these look familiar?
- Feeling bored with your spouse. Before you were married, getting to know each other and establishing a deep commitment were welcome challenges. But now you've "been there, done that" on just about everything. Both of you sense the lack of excitement, but life is so crowded it's easy to stop making the effort to learn more about each other. Yawn.
- Focusing on differences. The same opposite traits that you once found so charming are now simply annoying. I can't tell you how many times I've caught myself thinking: "We'd get so much more accomplished if Chris [my wife] would just do things my way."
- Fixating on a fantasy. It's easy to fall into a habit of daydreaming about your "perfect spouse" as an escape from dealing with the real one. Some of this is natural—at times the fantasy is a lot simpler to handle. But you can take it too far, especially when you become disappointed because your spouse doesn't meet the impossible standards of your fantasy. Wake up! Dreams are just that—dreams.
- Avoiding your mate. Setting aside a little time for yourself is healthy. For instance, I try to take a solo camping trip once a year. But if you're avoiding contact with your spouse, or if the time you spend together feels like a chore, that's a clear warning that you need to spend even more time together.
- Pursuing individual goals. Couples often get discouraged when they find it difficult to establish joint goals. When communication starts to break down, you're quick to think, My spouse isn't going to listen to me anyway. So I'll just go ahead and make this decision myself. Before you know it, you're focusing on what you need instead of what's best for both of you.
- Reaching the boiling point. When everything your mate does seems to make you crazy, irritabl, and just plain mad, that's a clear signal that your attitudes are mired in negativity. But if you think back, you'll remember a time when your relationship was full of promise. What changed?
Under the Hood
If recognizing the warning signals has you gripping the wheel, don't panic. These are normal responses to the challenges of everyday marriage. The warning lights simply tell you when to stop and check things out. Here are eight ways you can give your marriage the tune-up it needs.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1998, Summer
More from Michael Lace:
Kyria.com | Books
Join the Kyria.com Community!
Become a member to have access to the following:
- Full access to the bimonthly Kyria digizine, each issue focusing on a spiritual discipline or theme
- 50 percent discount on all of the downloadable resources in the Kyria Store
- Hundreds of members-only articles for thoughtful, influential women
downloadable guides
Sabbath Rest in a World of Stress
Practical insights for how to live a life that honors the spirit of Sabbath-rest.
The Mentoring Series: Nancy Ortberg
Discover leadership principles from a well-known author and respected leader.Browse More Guides
back to top
Average User Rating:
BJ
Char (with printing question) Near the top of the page, right hand side is a white box. Within the box is an icon of a printer. Click on that icon. That will give you a printer version of the article that should print all pages. -BJ Community Manager
Char
I have tried to print several of your articles and only ow the first page will print...I have checked my set-up on my printer..it is ok...do you have any other suggestions? I would really like to have the articles for a class. Thanks you
Rate & Comment on this article *