No Excuses

How to have a great marriage even if you had lousy role models

Everett L. Worthington, Jr., and R. Kirby Worthington

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Carrie's six-year marriage ended in an ugly divorce-not that it surprised her.
"I didn't have a chance," she told her best friend. "I grew up watching my parents fight constantly. I still remember Mom throwing a bag of flour at Dad. They divorced when I was 15."

On the other hand, Carrie's twin sister, Cheryl, is still happily married after 13 years. Carrie and Cheryl had the same parents, but they interpreted the turmoil in their childhood home differently. Carrie used her parents' angry, conflict-ridden relationship to explain the failure of her own marriage. But that can't be the whole picture, especially in light of her sister's healthy marriage.

A number of factors contribute to the success or failure of any marriage. And while the quality of your parents' relationship influences how you approach marriage, it's not the sole determinant of your future happiness. These guidelines will help you break any unhealthy patterns and show you how to make your marriage the close relationship you and your spouse desire.

Look to God for guidance and support. If your parents had a dysfunctional marriage, it will be difficult for you to develop a healthy relationship when you're not even sure what one looks like. But remember, God wants your marriage to thrive. Trust in him to direct you to the resources you need. Together with your mate, learn to rely on prayer to break through the roadblocks you encounter.

Learn from your parents' example. Seldom is a marriage so bad that a husband and wife could be mistaken for Darth Vader and the bride of Frankenstein. Even a bad marriage has some redeeming elements. Challenge yourself to look for the good in your parents' relationship and learn from what you find.

for example, Cheryl's husband, Doug, grew up with a father who didn't take his wife's concerns seriously. Whenever Doug's mom would try to talk about a problem, his dad would dismiss the issue with a "Yes, Dear." Yet Doug had to admit that his father loved his mother, because every year on their anniversary his father arranged for a special dinner out and ordered his wife's favorite flowers. Years later, Doug kept up that loving tradition with Cheryl.

At the same time, Doug vowed that in contrast to his dad's example, he would listen with respect to his wife and not brush off her comments with a pat answer. You can learn a lot about what you don't want to happen in your marriage by considering what your parents did poorly.

Study successful couples. Shortly after Cheryl and Doug got married, they became friends with an older couple Doug met at work. This couple served as a sounding board for Doug and Cheryl as they worked through the stressors common to newlyweds. In contrast, Carrie and her husband struggled alone-one possible reason their marriage failed.

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1996, Fall

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