5 Things Your Husband Wants You to Know

Couple Minutes

James Charis

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5 Things Your Husband Wants You to Know

1. I want to please you sexually. It's humiliating for men to ask for directions, so help us by giving us a road map for sex.

2. I need you, but I need others, too. When guys want to know what to do, not how to feel, they turn to male friends.

3. I want to find meaning in my work. We derive satisfaction from what we do. So support us as we sort out our goals and gifts.

4. I want to be reconciled with those I love. Contrary to the "take no prisoners" attitude men express, we're still bothered by unresolved conflict. You can help by asking questions.

5. I want to remain young and virile forever. Love us, make us feel we're still sexually desirable, cook us healthy meals, and suggest an aerobic walk around the block.

By James Charis, from 30 Days to a More Incredible Marriage, edited by Ramona Cramer Tucker (Tyndale). Used by Permission.

You Say It's Her Birthday?

Then consider treating her to her favorite meal—at home. According to a study by the National Restaurant Association, 30 percent of married people reported dining out on their spouse's birthday. And men were more likely to eat out on their wives' birthday than women were on their husband's. So take a few notes, dig out the cookbooks, and please her with a meal she'll remember. If it's his big day, try visiting his favorite restaurant.

Socialize to Survive

Need another reason to go to coffee with your hubby? Being social may add years to his life. Men, research shows, are more likely to develop certain stress-related disorders, and die, on the average, seven years before women. Why? Laura Cousino Klein, Ph.D., and her colleagues at the University of California in Los Angeles believe it's in the way men and women cope with stress. According to their recent study, when women are threatened, fearful, or stressed, they "tend-and-befriend"—nurture their young and turn to family and friends for support. Men, on the other hand, are more likely to respond in the "fight-or-flight" fashion, either becoming aggressive or withdrawing from the difficult situation. But by adopting more social habits, men may be able to boost their health and protect against stress. So if your husband's stressed, pick up the phone for a family chat, invite his friends to dinner, or head to the nearest Starbucks. He'll thank you for many more years to come.

6 Big Mistakes Couples Make

1. Avoiding conflict. This requires repression, which leads to depression of feelings. A passionate partnership requires conflict, not terminal niceness or withdrawal.

2. Avoiding each other. Occasional withdrawal is healthy. Habitual withdrawal is death to partnership.

3. Criticizing. Habitually thinking or speaking criticism is hard on a relationship. It's usually a sign that the criticizing mate has some personal development to do.

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2001, Fall

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