Is Your Life KillingYour Marriage?
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To the neighbors, 1518 Austin Street looks like the place to be. It's a beautiful old home with a stunning addition taking shape in the back. Contractors go in and out daily. The owners, Rob and Jane Benson, are a bright, attractive couple in their late thirties. They both work full time and are hands-on parents as well. They sponsor youth group at their church. Rob coaches their eight-year-old's soccer team, Jane co-leads their ten-year-old's Girl Scout troop, and they always have at least one parent at their fifteen-year-old's gymnastic meets. The two older children also take music lessons and play with their school bands. And that's just the regular stuff—it doesn't include the social invitations that come to all of them. The Bensons' kitchen calendar sags with inked-in notations of things to do and places to be.
But that's not all that's sagging. Rob and Jane are having a lot of trouble holding up their marriage these days. It's nothing they can put their finger on; they're just not enjoying each other much anymore. In fact, they're really not even talking much anymore, except to try to juggle schedules and responsibilities or to make decisions about their construction project, both of which, more often that not, end up in tension and frustration. Satisfying sex has become a hazy memory. The couple at 1518 Austin Street is beginning to wonder if their marriage will last long enough to finish raising the kids.
What's the Matter Here?
Rob and Jane are like many couples who are having increasing difficulty with their marriages but can't quite figure out why. No one is having an affair; no catastrophe has struck. Life actually seems to be going pretty well. So they begin to think that perhaps they just weren't meant for each other after all.
The good news for Rob and Jane is that they're actually very good for each other. The bad news is an environmental hazard threatens their marriage.
No marriage exists in a vacuum. We are all affected by our culture and the circumstances of our lives. But while some things—the national economy, chronic illness, a death in the family—are beyond our control, we do have a say about many of the factors that affect our lives. Many couples wondering about the viability of their marriages might be pleasantly surprised to rediscover how much they like each other once they make significant changes in the parts of their lives that lie outside their home.
The Bensons' marriage is bombarded by toxic busyness, a common hazard in a culture that wears busyness as a badge of honor. Some other environmental hazards that impact marriages are stressful job situations and relationships with friends and family members that compete with the marriage relationship. These hazards create weak spots in your relationship and can do great damage. But, just like the following couples, you can take action to protect your marriage.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2000, Fall
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