Real Good Housekeeping

How to get your spouse to help around the house

By Sheila Wray Gregoire

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Sharon plopped onto the couch and sighed. "Derek came home last night, took one look at the living room, and said, 'Honey, what do you do all day? This place is a mess!' But I did clean. It's just that the kids messed it up again while I was making dinner. And what's worse is that instead of offering to help, Derek went into the bedroom—where he piled his clothes onto a chair—then came back out and parked himself in front of the TV for the rest of the evening."

Ted and Sally are newlyweds and both work full-time outside the home. They assumed each would do "his or her share" of the housework. Except soon Ted found that Sally wasn't interested in housework. "I'm doing everything," says Ted. "After awhile I get frustrated with her not helping. When I mention that, she gets this blank look and helps clean—for a day or two. Then it's back to me cleaning again."

A common problem with housework is that we may think were talking about the same thing when were not.

While housework is necessary, it's also depressing because it's never done. You may have just vacuumed your carpet, only to find your three year old has been trailing you with crackers, or worse, that your spouse has been trailing you with crackers. When one spouse deals with this aggravation and work alone, resentment can build quicker than scum on a shower wall. If you're feeling taken for granted, here are some steps to share the load.

Talk it out

All of us enter marriage with expectations of how our homes will run: the house is hers to take care of, or we'll each do 50 percent. But many times we don't communicate clearly our expectations to our spouse. Instead we assume he or she will just "get" it. Which is usually an incorrect—and unfair—assumption. Yes, it seems obvious to you that you're the only one who washes the dishes, and if you let them go a day or two, your spouse wouldn't notice them—or do them. These expectations may not change even when our work situations do or when children enter the picture.

That's why it's a good idea to discuss openly and honestly your expectations. Find a time to talk when you won't be interrupted and when you're not already annoyed.

Sarah was frustrated by the state of their home. "I feel as though I have two full-time jobs—one outside the house and the other as a homemaker! Josh mows the lawn and that's it." She could never understand why he wouldn't help with chores—until they visited Josh's parents for two weeks. "A light bulb went on for me during that visit," Sarah says. "I watched Josh's stay-at-home mom do everything, while his dad didn't lift a finger. I realized Josh had learned his behavior from his parents." On their drive home, Sarah approached the topic. "I started by telling him how frustrated I get when I feel he doesn't help. Then I explained what I'd noticed at his parents' house, and how I wanted our family to be different. Of course, it also helped that I mentioned how his help would free our time for other things—such as sex." Her talk did the trick.

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2005, Spring, Page 34

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