Playing for Keeps
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[4 Comments]
When my niece, Carye, was young, she'd frequently ask me to play a board game with her. If I agreed, Carye would reappear, game in hand, exclaiming, "Now this is my game, so I'm going to win!"
Carye's now in her twenties; we still laugh over how she always had to win at her own games. But it's no laughing matter that many adult women still play games, insisting on winning at all costs. I'm not talking about board games; I'm referring to the mind games women play in marriage. Many of us subconsciously assign roles, make up rules, and attempt to win so we feel better about ourselves or get our needs met. Some of these mind games can cost a woman her husband's respect and affection—or worse, her marriage.
What follows are some of the most common games wives play in their marriages. If one of these has been a flame-killer in your relationship, take heart. You can begin to inspire, rather than require, intimacy in your relationship.
The "Mommy/Child" Game
As women, one of our greatest attributes is our natural mothering instinct. We're not afraid to roll up our sleeves and dive into sibling squabbles, slumber parties, field trips, vomit, poop, blood, or anything else for the benefit of our children. After all, we're responsible for their well-being until they're able to take responsibility for themselves.
However, your husband is already grown up—and he doesn't appreciate being treated like a child. As one spouse, Peter, explains, "It's unnerving how my wife harps on me like she harps on our kids about doing something around the house. She can't just ask me once and trust I'll do it. She keeps bringing it up until I do it out of exasperation. I feel as though she has no more respect for me than she does for our preschoolers. When she treats me like a child instead of a man, the last thing I want to do is have sex with her. That would feel like having sex with my mother."
There have been times when I've fallen into the mother role with my husband, Greg, too. I've insisted he be home from work at a certain time rather than trust he'll come home as soon as he can. I've attempted to control what he eats and how often he exercises, as if he's clueless about living a healthy lifestyle. I've created "honey-do" lists a mile long with the dates by which I needed things done, as if his free time were completely mine to control. Like Peter, Greg admits it's unnerving to have a wife micromanage his life.
Women frequently admit to me they feel more like their husband's mother or boss than his partner. If this sounds familiar, remember, while you can't require your husband's cooperation, you can inspire it. If you want him to be internally (rather than externally) motivated to help out around the house, for instance, encourage him with a nice comment. When you see him doing a particular chore, say, "I'm so thankful to have a guy who's willing to do that!" He'll feel more like your hero than your rebellious child; chances are good he'll want to play that heroic role more often in the future.
Originally published in: Today's Christian Woman, 2006, July/August, Vol. 28, Issue 4, Page 18
Related Topics:
Intimacy, Marriage, Healthy, Needs, Marriage, Playing Games, Rules
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Average User Rating:
Cal
From a husband; Our self-worth is very dependate upon how valuable we are to our wives. For those of us that will admit it, there are questions that run through our minds. Does she have faith in me to take care of her needs; financial, physical, emotional, natural (honey-dos included)? If she does, why doesn't she let me do it on my time? Why does what happened at work or how the kids are acting tonight affect how she treats me; I'm not the one that upset her? Why can't I get her undivided attention? Remember God created Eve from Adam's rib, ribs protect our heart. Eve was also created as the help mate. Socitey has us running our marriage/families backwards; the husband is to assume the responsiblity of providing for his family, not the wife. Not so we can demand of our wife what is to happen, but to carry the burden and stresses of life. After all, our wife already has a very important job of protecting our heart.
Canada Reader
While I appreciate the intent, I find this article just another re-run of most of the marriage articles on this site. Basically they all say: women don't nag and your husband will rise to the occasion. Life is way more complicated than that and people are very individual, not all falling into ideal gender roles. I find it really interesting that marriage articles are always focusing on women and never written for men. Let's move into the 21st century and get a little deeper -- be responsible, treat people with love and respect and don't expect other people to make you happy. If I ask my husband to do something and it doesn't get done I either leave it, do it myself, or hire someone to do it. It avoids fights and removes any need to nag.
roli
There are some good points here, thank you, but I read the mommy/child game with frustration. I absolutely hate the 'mother' role (with my husband, not with my kids!!), and after 15 years of marriage I think I have tried it all. When I ask over and over for something to be done I'm told that I'm acting like his mother. When I don't ask and trust him to see it for himself, I'm told that he can't read my mind and I should just ask. When I ask once and then leave it to him to do when he is ready, he often agrees then just doesn't do it. I find that I do more and more myself, and my husband does very little. I'm talking about the 'traditional' male roles such as house repairs and maintenance, not indoor housework. Advising us to give a positive response to their efforts is quite simplistic, I don't think it's that easy at all...
heather
This is one of the best articles I have read regarding women and how we relate to or husbands ! All of it is so true and insightful .
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