Landing the Helicopter
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[4 Comments]
Remember the end of My Big Fat Greek Wedding? You see the happy young couple emerging from their new home (purchased for them as a wedding gift by her doting dad). They set off down the street, waving at their next-door neighbor, out mowing his lawn. Her dad waves back.
It's easy to laugh at this stereotype of ethnic families–large, loving, and meddlesome. On the other hand, the contemporary model–newlywed kids who move cross-country and see their parents only once or twice a year–doesn't seem so appealing either. I don't want Facebook to be the only way I keep up with my married daughter.
With our kids in full marrying mode these days, boomers like me are wrestling with our new role in our children's lives. Remember, we're the generation that talked, patted, and sang to our little ones in utero–sort of "helicopter parents-to-be." We made Dr. Dobson part of our household, worried about "stranger danger," and felt guilty about parking our kids in front of Full House reruns. Our ceaseless chauffeuring gave new life to Detroit as we all piled into the minivan. Eventually those same vans would take "us" off to college, loaded down with kids' possessions and last-minute advice.
Now what?
My daughter was married on a golden afternoon in August of last year. The girl who had orchestrated Barbie weddings in our living room wore a gleaming Cinderella gown and Grace Kelly gloves (you can probably still find photos on her Facebook page). Her prince, a decorated veteran of Afghanistan, looked sharp in his officer's dress blues. Swords were drawn as they exited the church. For the Mother of the Bride (I'm the one in the unnaturally sprayed hairdo and requisite sequins), it was God's answer to years of prayer for a godly spouse for Amanda. For Dad, looking almost patriarchal in his tux, our new son-in-law, Stuart, was a welcome male antidote to the two women he'd always been outnumbered by, not counting our female terrier and assorted parakeets of uncertain gender.
So it's mostly all good. "The kids" live in a townhome just five minutes away. We go to the same church. Why, if we weren't all more or less blonds, we could almost be … Greek.
But precisely because of this proximity, I feel like I'm still working out this role thing. Case in point: There've been a couple of times when they've been late or missed church entirely due to alarms not going off. I suggested gently to my daughter they needed to be in church (am I butting in?) and asked did she want me to give her a wakeup call Sunday mornings. Sure she did. At 8:40 a.m. on a recent Sunday, I called her cell. No answer. I then tried their landline. Stuart answered and told me she was in the shower. He sounded like he was in a hurry. "All right," I said, trying to sound brisk and not too needy. "We'll try to save seats, 'bye."
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2009, Web-only
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Average User Rating:
Kris
I can only try to understand how difficult it is to allow your newly married child to start a new life. I live far from my own parents, but very close to my in-laws. My mother-in-law has enjoyed being a major role in my husbands life. I think my hope is that my own mother-in-law would treat us in a way that honors the importance of the relationship we have as husband and wife. I have to agree that calling your daughter for church seems like a bad thing for everyone involved. She is a grown woman and should be treated as an adult. It is innocent motive actions like a phone call on Sunday morning that have created the biggest problems of our marriage. I would encourage you to think back on when you were a newlywed and try to respect them as adults. I think you verbalized wanting to allow them some room, but as difficult as it is, please have your actions echo that heart, allow them to be someone different together.
Immaculate
This is a great experience Eliza, and I agree with you. I too I am an only child to my mother and i think this is what was happening to me! we had been so close with alot of love and care for one another. After marriage i beleive it was not easy for each of us to give this up so and it took me time to realise the effect this had on my marriage. I give glory to God that somehow I was able to realise it and I reduced my dependence on My mother. My advice is that both mothers and daughters should try to reduce on their ties as soon as possible after the daughter is married.
Dawn
Coming from the viewpoint of having both an overbearing mother myself and then on top of that, a mother in law who is absolutely clueless as to how to deal with her first son getting married to another woman! The rule for parents should be, if you are not asked do not comment, call, or come over. Why is it so hard to remember the respect and boundaries you would have liked as a newlywed from your own parents or in laws? I journal all my feelings so when it is my turn for my kids to leave and cleave, I will just treat them how I would have liked to be treated.
Karin
Oh my gosh! A mother calling her married daughter to wake her up for church?!? No WAY! They are adults, if they can set their alarm for their jobs, they can set them for church. I don't care if the daughter agreed to it, big-time boundaries violation. You shouldn't "gently" remind them they need to be in church as if they were 10. If it really was an isolated incident, let it go. If it becomes a habit, a dinner out to talk about it with the 4 of you might be appropriate, but don't get your feelings hurt if they decide they want to check out a few other churches to see what is a fit for them as a newly married couple. They need to worship where they fit togther, not necessarily where Mom & Dad are.
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