The Other Woman
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"I need help!"
The young woman's voice wavered as she looked around at the small group of women. "I know I'm supposed to love my mother-in-law—but I hate her!" As her tears escalated into uncontrollable sobs, we quickly gathered around her to pray.
Afterwards, I listened in sadness as other women shared the pain experienced by being an in-law. Of the 17 present in the Bible study, only 2 had good family relationships. What truly troubled me was that all the women and most of their in-laws were Christians.
But should I really have been surprised? My own experience as a daughter-in-law had been immensely frustrating. Twenty-six years ago, when I committed myself to my husband for life, I was unprepared for the depth of conflict I'd experience with my mother-in-law.
I still remember when my husband, Greg*, and I arrived home from our honeymoon to find our new apartment completely unpacked and arranged—right down to flour and sugar in the canisters—compliments of Flo, my mother-in-law, who wanted to "help out." I said nothing, not wanting to appear ungrateful, but was bitterly disappointed in not having the opportunity to set up my new home.
In the following weeks, Flo came to our house uninvited while we were at work to do our laundry and straighten the house. "It's just my way of helping," she stated firmly when I objected. "I know how Greg likes things."
I swallowed my protests, again not wanting to cause dissent. I didn't realize I was laying the foundation for an off-balanced kinship as my mother-in-law continued to overstep boundaries and I continued to acquiesce. As the years passed, resentment festered inside me. But I knew I needed to feel love instead of hate.
The mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship is one of the most complicated human connections. It comes with a built-in conflict before the relationship even begins: two radically different views of the same man. One woman always will see him first as a man; the other always will see him first as her child.
Understanding these perspectives is the first step to having a smooth in-law connection. However, as I began visiting with women who have successful relationships, I discovered they all shared an attitude that moves beyond this basic understanding. In each relationship, one of the women involved gave a "gift" to the other woman. For most of them, it wasn't given easily, but through a determination of their will. I discovered, too, that it didn't matter whether the giver was the younger or older woman. To my surprise, it didn't even seem to matter if the gift was acknowledged. It just mattered that one of the women was willing to give.
The Gift of Selflessness
Karen spent years trying to get her mother-in-law out of her life and away from her kids. She especially tried to prevent the woman from influencing her husband. "He always came home from time spent with his mom distraught because she'd badgered him about this or that," she told me.
Originally published in: Today's Christian Woman, 2003, September/October, Vol. 25, Issue 5, Page 66
Related Topics:
Conflict, Gratitude, Love, for Enemies, Love, Unconditional, Mother-in-law, Relationships, Difficult, Sister-in-law
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Tanya
Thanks for the article.. it is truly encouraging . I realize that it is possible to really love "the other woman" with God's help . Thanks again for the wonderful article.
cisca
Thank for this wonderful acticle. l think all women are two in one and as such we should learn to let go. why is it that fathers dont get involve themselves in their in laws affair. mum- in- law always thinks their son are still kid but not daughter. with what l have seen and read am praying to be not like the bad mother in laws who are still christian. lets learn to be like Debora
Carolyn
I was a daughter-in-law for 35 years and I've been a mother-in-law for 14 years. I had a very difficult relationship with my mother-in-law. I married her "golden boy" and obviously was not good enough. At one time early on she wrote me a note telling me "I was the cross she had to bear." My husband was very supportive of me, which was very important. And yes, I've had a few bumps in the road with my daughter-in-law. However, as the years go by we are closer and closer. In fact, when she had surgery last year she wanted me to come and help rather than her own mother. As Christians, when we marry, I believe that we take on our spouse's family as our own and the same is true when our children marry. If the relationship is not good, it is OUR responsibility before the Lord to earnestly pray for wisdom and help in improving the relationship whether you are the mother-in-law OR daughter-in-law.
Trish
Thank yo so much for thsi inspired article. My son and his fiance have recently become parents to a gorgeous little girl. Yes it's been hard to accept the "before marriage" aspect but I've accepted that when our kids are grown they make their own choices. However, it's been difficult through this first month. I've only seen baby 4 times and I've felt really jealous of my "daughter in law's" family as my son and her live with them. I've found myself so jealous of them. I also feel that everytime i suggest visiting or them coming over to our house that an excuse is made and it's usually that baby is not settled or mummy is tired or soomething like that; playong on my emotions. I'm trtying really hard to put my feelings aside, but it's so difficult. I feel like I'm not being allowed to get to know my grandaughter at all. They used to come over more before the birth; I realise of course a baby changes your life dramatically, but I just feel left out and can't do anything right.
Deb
Wonderful article. Easier said than done for sure. For many years I struggled with my mother-in-law. The best boundary we set was living far away. When she would visit I would give her lots of time with her son and I would take care of the children. I learned over time that she was much easier to get along with if she had that time alone with him. She is in heaven now and I am grateful to my Mom for the advice of finding some way to get along with her. As a result, when she died a couple of years ago my daughters really honored her and have fond memories of her. It wasn't always smooth sailing with her, but worth the effort.
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