In-Law Overload

When visiting family, Carol and Kevin Heffernan had to redefine downtime.

by Carol Heffernan

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Carol's side: I need more space!

On December 23 Kevin and I arrived at his parents' house to celebrate our first holiday as a married couple. After a five-hour drive, a late arrival, and a hearty welcome, I was eager to catch more than a few winks, rejoicing in the fact that no alarm clock would jolt us out of bed the next morning.

I was in for quite a shock.

We were awakened at the crack of dawn by a train whistle blowing not so subtly outside our bedroom door. Evidently, my father-in-law loves to rouse houseguests with a bang and an announcement: "Breakfast time!"

After breakfast time came talk time, then snack time, shopping time, and lunch time; cooking time prepared us for dinner time, which preceded game time, and then—finally!—bedtime. Saturday and Sunday followed suit, except we were awakened by a ukulele one morning and a recording of Handel's Messiah the next. By Sunday afternoon I was ready to crack. Too much talking. Too much food. Too much activity! I needed some downtime—fast.

"How can you handle going, going, going all the time?" I asked Kevin as we dragged ourselves to bed. "I haven't had a chance to think, let alone nap or read the book I brought. I can't take any more of this constant commotion."

I expected Kevin to sympathize and promise that we'd spend the following day lounging around. Instead he responded, "This is what I'm used to. My family enjoys being with each other, and my parents like to be on-the-go."

"Staying active is fine," I replied. "But it's not easy spending my vacation following someone else's agenda. Our lives at home are busy enough, so when we're away, the last thing I want is a jam-packed schedule."

I love my in-laws and I want our visits to be fun for everyone. But how can I handle so much time together without becoming completely overwhelmed?

Kevin's side: I enjoy active family time

Growing up, my dad often said, "Adventure is on the road." So my family was always on the lookout for a concert to attend, a vacation to take, or a new restaurant to visit. But Carol's mom and dad were much more hands-off. She spent the bulk of her free time with her friends, and family time was limited to the occasional Sunday evening meal.

So when we visited my parents for the holidays, I enjoyed and found comfort in the constant stream of activity and marathon conversations.

"If you'd let down your guard and accept that my family is different from yours, you might start to have fun," I told Carol one morning when she complained. "We don't see my parents that often, so the least we can do is enjoy the activities they plan."

"That's just it," Carol replied. "Why does there have to be a plan at all?"

"I know your ideal vacation doesn't include this much activity. But I wish you could understand that my family likes to pack as much into a day as possible. Why can't you accept these differences instead of fighting them?"

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2005, Winter, Page 16

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