In-Law Tug-of-War

Caught in the middle? Here are ways to create some independence while staying close to the families you love

Ingrid Lawrenz

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"Take my mother-in-law, please!"

The jokes abound, and not only are they unhelpful, they're not even funny. There's little to laugh about when it comes to the push and pull of competing family loyalties.

But why is it so difficult to find a comfortable arrangement with parents, in-laws and other members of your extended family? The idea of leaving your childhood family to unite with your spouse sounds perfectly reasonable. And you'd think making a fresh start free from outside interference would be a joyful adventure. In practice, though, this process often seems more like you're forming a new mega-family that includes parents, in-laws and, come to think of it, your spouse, too.

Before spouses can form their own independent family, they have to renegotiate relationships with parents and extended family. And since those bonds took years to form, the process of breaking away to create a new family isn't complete after the first year, or the fifth. It's an ongoing task.

The Early Years One + One = One

The first few years of marriage bring adjustments that neither spouse anticipated. And one of the thorniest is also one of the least expected: the multiple influences of the families in which each partner was raised. Mary and Steve were blindsided by this clash of cultures just a few weeks after their wedding. Mary's family had always enjoyed lively debates over dinner, so she was never hesitant to challenge opinions voiced by others. Despite the sometimes noisy banter, her family was confident of their love for one another.

She assumed all families enjoyed their own brand of animated dialogue. So at dinner with Steve's parents one evening, Mary objected to something her father-in-law said. But far from leading to a lively discussion, her comment was met instead with an uncomfortable silence. Mary was embarrassed and confused, wondering what she had done wrong. Steve told her later that his family wasn't used to debating at mealtime.

The next time Mary and Steve visited her in-laws, she was careful to observe how they operated. That's when she realized a governing rule in her husband's family: Dinner is not a time to disagree. If you have differing opinions, keep them to yourself.

Until then, Mary had thought she would easily fit into Steve's family. But like any newly married person, she needed time to get to know her in-laws. Eventually, she realized her father-in-law wasn't a defensive, insecure tyrant but rather a man who was uncomfortable with conflict. While Mary's parents and siblings thrived on the intellectual challenge of spirited debate, Steve's parents valued calmness and congeniality. After she understood the unspoken rules of Steve's family, she no longer felt uncomfortable around his parents.

While it's essential to recognize your in-laws' customs, it's even more important to determine how your own family will function. The act of leaving parents to unite with your mate, described in Genesis 2:24, implies that newlyweds are no longer bound by old family rules and expectations. Your first loyalty, under God, is to your partner. Since it's impossible to please every parent and every in-law every time, it makes sense to base decisions on what you believe to be fair and appropriate as a couple.

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Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 1998, Spring

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