Kissing Your Family Goodbye
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I can still see the look on Marian's face. Her husband, Dan, had recently left her for another woman, and she was trying to understand what had happened and what to do next. As Marian's counselor, I asked about her husband's family history. Dan's father had left for another woman when Dan was 13, and Dan hadn't spoken to his dad since.
"That's interesting," I said. "His father left when Dan, the oldest in his family, was 13. How old is your oldest child?" Marian answered, "Thirteen." Then it hit her—Dan had acted out a generational pattern with frightening precision.
"So Dan was 'destined' to do this?" Marian asked.
"No," I said. "But when we don't deal with the baggage from our family-of-origin, it's easy for generational patterns to repeat themselves. Dan apparently had stored away all that past baggage, hoping it would stay hidden in its place."
Generational patterns?
Generational patterns are behaviors that repeat themselves from one generation to the next. The Bible says that though God forgives "every kind of sin and rebellion," he will not "leave sin unpunished, but I punish the children for the sins of their parents to the third and fourth generations" (Exodus 34:7, NLT).
We see generational patterns especially in abusive situations. People who are physically or verbally abusive to their spouse usually were abused by their parents, or they witnessed one parent abuse the other.
We also see a generational pattern in divorces. Children of divorce have a higher chance of divorcing.
When Ray and Cathy came to see me, they wanted to break that pattern—both sets of parents had divorced. Ray and Cathy were committed to making their marriage last, but they were struggling. They wondered if their vows were strong enough to break the pattern.
I proposed they take a look at Isaiah 51:1-2: "Listen to me, all who hope for deliverance—all who seek the LORD! Consider the quarry from which you were mined, the rock from which you were cut! Yes, think about your ancestors" (NLT).
Isaiah was suggesting that if we want deliverance, we need to understand the beginnings of the problem. Ray and Cathy needed to understand what their parents' lives were like before the divorces, and what had been going on in the generation that shaped their parents.
Before we can break patterns of the past, we must understand them. We need insight into how personal and marital boundaries have been handled. Then we can identify what types of roles people have played in their family. And we can articulate some of the unspoken rules we were taught.
I ask couples to write down everything they can remember about their family-of-origin, then talk to their spouse, who can note things about their family dynamics that the person can't see. Then they gather information from their parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2003, Fall
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Elizabeth
But what do you do when a person has a generational pattern of spousal and child abuse, and they deny it even as they seek to recreate it? Or they justify it as his father actually hit and he only yells. It was always the child's fault, always the wife's fault. They "made him" yell, insult, put them down. Generational pattern first admitted, but later strongly denied by husband, but confirmed by his sisters and mother. Counseling was worthless, he was a good actor. Is there a way to get through the denial?
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