Back from the Brink: "Divided Loyalties"
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What do you mean, 'Pack for the drive home'? We're going to visit your parents every weekend?" my new bride exclaimed.
We'd just returned from our honeymoon when it began: the tug-of-war over my loyalties between my wife and my parents.
Before, I'd driven the eight-hour round trip every weekend in order to lead worship and the college group in my church. It was a demanding schedule—but one my father, the senior pastor and my boss, expected. And I'd always complied.
Now that I was married, Dad expected me to continue the drill, while Carrie* wanted to enjoy our first weekends together as a couple, setting up house, and delighting in the newness of it all. It was our first fight, and she lost.
As we neared each weekend, she'd withdraw and quietly endure the travel to my parents' home, where I'd slide back into the warm familiarity of my "son" role. Instead of opening a place for her in our family, my parents—and I—defaulted to our shared history, often leaving her out of conversations.
One evening during dinner at my parents' house, Carrie spoke up to be part of the discussion and asked Mom a question. Mom answered—to me! As if Carrie wasn't there.
After graduation from seminary, I was "promoted" to a full-time position on my father's staff. As my church commitments grew and Dad demanded more of my time, Carrie began to see him as her enemy and the cause of our growing separateness. The gulf between them hardened into predictable patterns of isolation. A polite hug. A few pleasantries. And then a quick dismissal.
Tug-of-War
Several years into our marriage, my father pulled a doozy. He volunteered me to teach at a worship conference—in Romania! While I was excited, I knew Carrie would have "issues" with the trip.
"Hi, honey," I beamed as I walked into the kitchen. Annie and Alley, my four- and two-year-old girls, made a mad rush for my kneecaps. Meanwhile, Carrie was juggling our two-month-old boy, Trey, on one hip while she stirred the bubbling pasta sauce.
Carrie forced a weary smile. "Hi. Can you hand me the colander?"
It was two baths and a nursing later that evening before I broached the topic of my intended trip. Fire flashed in her eyes. "Are you crazy? You're going to leave me for 10 days with three small children while you gallivant across the planet? I don't think so."
Carrie wouldn't budge this time. And I dreaded saying no to my father.
The following day I gave Dad the bad news: "The Romania trip isn't going to work for our family. It's too long for Carrie to deal with the kids alone."
With a surprised, hard look on his face, he pressed me to reconsider, "If you were being a strong and effective leader, Carrie would recognize how God's business requires personal sacrifice!"
Knowing Carrie wouldn't back down, I held the line. While I'd finally told my father no, there was no tangible victory for my marriage. And the tension between Carrie and me grew as I seethed inwardly toward her for making me take sides.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2004, Winter
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evanne
thank you so much for sharing your precious experience..i've been trying to explain the exact situation and feelings that we're going through to my husband till one night i got so frustrated,and there it was your testimony. he finally read it just now, and i'm praying for the wise reaction from him... God bless you and your family.
Adetola Abosede
Thanks so much 4 sharing ur experience.It's very important in marriage 2 know dat our first loyalty is 2 our spouse & family.If d wife hadn't been patient enuf 2 resolve issues with d husband dat would ave been d end of d marriage. Thanks so much,dis article had been a blessing 2 me.
Pat
Very powerful article in deed. I have experienced this and whenever I think back on the many times that I have been sidelined and isolated, I still get very angry. I hope I will get to Carrie's stage.
PS
Thank you for sharing your story. I can vouch from the dynamics I endured between my ex and his mother that dividing one's loyalties beteen parents and spouse IS fatal to a marriage - and damaging to your life as an adult overall - if you don't see the light. Nearly 15 years after our marriage ended, he's only now thinking about moving out from under her roof, and unsurprisingly she's having a fit. Those who think that they can ignore what God commanded of us in Genesis, wake up before it's too late!
Michelle
I too was moved by this story while at the same time being angered by the selfish controlling nature of the parents, of whom need to take a good hard long look at their own hearts instead of condemning their son for his loyalty to his wife.
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