Boundaries for In-laws
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[1 Comment]Parents can be a blessing to a married couple by offering love, wisdom, and encouragement. The Bible makes note of several supportive in-law relationships, namely Ruth and Naomi, Peter and his mother-in-law, and Jethro, who guided Moses. Yet the abundance of in-law jokes and stories testifies to the fact that parents can also be a heavy burden for a couple to bear. The Bible also has an example of this. David's father-in-law, King Saul, tracked him down to try to kill him. And you thought you had problems.
Whether you've had them for months, or it's been many years, in-law conflicts are certainly nothing new. Occurring in many forms, they tend to be ongoing issues that revolve around the couple as a whole. The first step toward finding a solution is to identify the problem. Here are five circumstances to consider.
1. Favoritism.
Parents develop an older and deeper relationship with their adult child, which is to be expected. Even so, healthy parents will welcome their child's spouse into their lives, if that person is loving and kind. However, when a parent's preference for their own child over their child's spouse exists and is expressed, distance and hurt can result. During a visit or phone call, parents may show more interest in their child's goings-on than in a spouse's. Or they may give more lavish gifts to their child, disregarding a spouse. These gestures of favoritism can lead a spouse to feel left out and not valued when around in-laws.
2. Intrusiveness.
Linda and Roy had been married for five years. Caring for a two-year old, planning for a baby on the way, building a business, and buying their first home, life was busy but rewarding. That is, unless Linda's parents came over.
Since they lived nearby, Linda's parents loved to visit—invited or not. They were helpful with the baby and even ran errands. But inviting themselves to come along on family outings was too much. Feeling trapped in a corner, Linda and Roy were torn about what to do.
Some parents cross over the line of responsibility and respect. Becoming too involved with the couple, they may meddle unintentionally, leaving the couple feeling smothered or controlled. Although they think they are acting lovingly, they are not allowing the couple enough breathing room.
3. Parenting.
Linda grew up in a traditional-style home. After she and Roy moved into their new home, they enjoyed expressing their own, more modern style. When Linda's parents were invited to visit, they questioned, "Is this some sort of phase you're going through?" Their opinions seemed disapproving and hurtful to the young couple.
Along the same lines as intrusiveness, some in-laws have difficulty letting go of their roles as parents. Instead of transitioning into a mutual adult relationship, they may offer unasked-for advice, criticisms, or even withhold approval if they disagree with the younger couple's preferences.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2000, Winter
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harrison heston
as a father in law, i'm disappointed in the tone of this article. Yes, there are some difficult in law parents... we'd like to think we're great in laws... and this article is biased against inlaw parents, sympathizing with the poor children! How about some strategies for us poor parents that are working with difficult in law children? thanks for letting me rant!
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