Unwanted Help
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Sitting with my husband at a seminar on love and respect in marriage, I squirmed. Some of what I was hearing hit close to home. It seemed that what one spouse sees as "helpful," the other might consider disrespectful. I turned to Charles, wondering what he was thinking as he listened to the same message. The more I heard from the presenter, the clearer it became that I had some work to do.
For example, that very week I had laid out his vitamins and prescription meds at breakfast every morning even though he's perfectly capable of doing this himself. In fact, he knows the routine better than I do. After all, they're his pills, not mine. But I assumed that unless I took charge he'd ignore or forget them. I also "suggested" what foods would help him lose weight and coaxed him into eating a salad each day. And I took over researching some facts he needed for a speech he was writing because it would be faster if I did it myself.
Taking Care or Taking Charge?
Some might see these actions as helpful, even loving things to do for one's mate. But in my case, they weren't about help or love—or respect. They were about control, my trying to manage and direct my husband in matters that are his business. I thought my way was better, so I imposed it without giving thought to how it might affect him.
One time when I offered my point of view (without being asked) on a dilemma he faced with one of his grown children, Charles said in a firm tone, "You're treating me like a 5-year-old. Please back off."
I was stunned—and hurt—until I realized he was right. He rarely steps into my space and takes over. He doesn't lay out my vitamins, tell me what to eat, or impose his will on my relationship with my children. In fact, he respects my abilities and often tells me how much he admires what I accomplish.
We returned home after the seminar, equipped with a book, pages of notes, and a commitment to talk about what it means to each of us to love and respect the other. That event occurred ten years ago. Our relationship has changed considerably since then—for the better.
Charles now has a vitamin case and takes care of filling it or neglecting to do so, and I stay out of it. He voices his food choices. And when issues arise about his kids, I listen with interest but comment only if he asks for my opinion. Of course I slip now and again, but mostly I show love and gratitude for who he is and what he does, and my life (our life together) is so much happier, easier, and pleasant because of this.
When You Get Off Track
It's one thing to learn a new way to behave. It's quite another to practice it. Following the seminar, we joined six other couples once a month for prayer, discussions on topics related to marriage, and refreshments. These meetings made a huge difference to all of us. When things got rough at home, we knew we had a safe place to go where people would hear, love, and support us. Here are some of the challenges couples encountered and the changes we made.
Related Topics:
Disrespect, Help, Marriage, Lessons, Respect
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MARY GERTRUDE
Very good.
Goitseone
Thanks for the good and much needed advice.This will go a long way in helping me become a more respectful spouse. Sometimes we do things not realizing the harm we are doing to our spouses. I hope to share this with my friends who are also young couples. May God bless you all!
Carol Nicolet Loewen
Karen, your insights address a challenge I believe faces most Christian women - the desire to control. How freeing when we learn to thank God for the husbands He's given us, rather than trying to change them, control their behavior, or answer for them. I too have struggled with this and am learning to hold my tongue and wait for my hubby to make HIS decision, follow through on something we've discussed, or respond to a question directed at him. Thanks for the good, and needed, reminder.
Laura
I want to say Dear God please bless the Kyria Team for reaching out the needy souls in the way they do and please show them more of Your Grace. Though not married yet, I am too aware of the writer's picture. Growing up in a family of four brothers, been the only female and now having a young man of my own, the "help" thing is always at play. And like the writer admits she keeps controlling the helping urge and so do I. Presently, am better at watching, listening and speaking their language (Intervene when asked). Thank you so much for the lovely insight and God bless you all.
Columba Lisa Smith
Men and women are so different! I read an amazing book recently called "For Women Only." Shaunti Feldhahn did some research about the mysterious inner workings of men, and found that they deeply need respect from their wives. I think you're quite right - they can view our "help" as an insult. If a wife can find a way to inspire her husband to not drop the ball, rather than swooping in each time, that would perhaps be more effective. I like how clearly and thoroughly this article addresses a difficult problem for many!
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