Saving Grace
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Have you ever noticed the uncanny ability your spouse has to spot all the unholy aspects of who you are?
Before I was married, God said, "Mike, you have some rough edges. To help you become more Christ-like, I'm giving you Karen. That should do the trick."
So he brought Karen, whom I love dearly, into my life to identify all my shortcomings. My first response when she points out my flaws? Not gratitude!
I don't want to acknowledge that there may possibly be ugly things within me, so instead I strike back: "How dare you point out those things? What's your problem?"
Then I have the choice of either denying my failings or owning them and maturing. And Karen can either harbor anger and resentment or offer grace and forgiveness.
Imagine a marriage filled with grace. A spouse who extends joy, pleasure, sweetness, kind speech, unmerited favor.
My wife does that. I'm still working on it. Most of the time I don't deserve mercy. And yet, Karen can look at me with love and extend unmerited favor. I don't deserve grace for the times I mess up again, or leave a cup in the sink one more time.
But she chooses to clean up the sink and put the cup in the dishwasher and never say a word. That's grace.
Why do we extend grace—especially over and over—to our spouse?
First, because God is a God of grace; he freely extends it to us, and "it is by grace you have been saved" (Ephesians 2:8).
Second, because it's a healing and restorative force. As God extends his grace to us and as we in turn extend grace to our spouses, we become better friends and lovers and can even experience deep and renewed levels of trust.
Third, we extend grace because it's the only way to have a great marriage that lasts. Our spouses aren't perfect. And neither are we. Grace allows us to have a great marriage anyway. And learning to extend that grace (which is neither ignoring faults nor demanding change) will make you a better, more Christlike person.
If you need to practice expressing grace to your spouse, here are four ways to start.
1. Focus on the positive.
In Matthew, Jesus tells the parable of the weeds: "A man … sowed good seed in his field. But … his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat. … The servants asked him, 'Do you want us to go and pull them up?' 'No,' he answered, 'because while you are pulling the weeds, you may root up the wheat with them. Let both grow together until the harvest. At that time I will tell the harvesters: First collect the weeds and tie them in bundles to be burned; then gather the wheat and bring it into my barn'" (Matthew 13:24-30). In other words, "Don't mess with those weeds. You'll do too much damage if you try. Leave them alone and let God sort it out in the end."
We often don't do that in marriage. We go, "I really like who you are, but this one little thing, I'm going to pull that weed out of you." And we begin to focus more on the negative—trying to pull up those weeds in our spouse's life—and lose sight of the positive.
Originally published in: Marriage Partnership, 2008, Fall, Page 19
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Average User Rating:
Teresa
I can't tell you how totally perfect this article is for me. My husband and I just had the same discussion we've had for the last 16 years about him losing track of time and wanting to help everyone. I was feeling lonely and resentful but I'm sure he did not do this to hurt me. Thanks for the reminder.
E. McIlveen
Most of your article was well crafted and we do need to exercise more grace in all of our relationships. There were a couple of things that really seemed very childish, such as the husband needing a hug when his wife was vacumming. Really how starved can a guy be, not to wait for a bit of house work to be finished! Such statements tend to indicate how couples need to grow up and mature more than anything! Or the constant emphasis how couples need to be bonded during - guests coming, etc. Did they not have a life before they married? It makes me wonder!
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