Fighting Fair
Fighting Fair
Q. "My husband accuses me of not fighting fair and using 'drama queen' tactics. How can I handle our arguments better, so he doesn't get so wounded and mad at me?"
A. In the midst of a heated debate, my husband once declared, "Shannon, you'd make a great lawyer!" It wasn't a compliment. Sadly, he recognized that winning was far more important to me than understanding his feelings.
Learning to fight fair is one of the best ways we can show respect for each other. The goal of any disagreement should be to understand each other's feelings and strive toward an amiable compromise. With that goal in mind, let's consider …
9 Below-the-belt Tactics to Avoid:
- Dragging others into the argument ("Well, my mom says …");
- Giving the silent treatment;
- Yelling or crying to get your way;
- Spewing destructive criticism ("You suck the joy out of everything!");
- Using sarcasm;
- Issuing threats and ultimatums;
- Getting defensive;
- Using buzz words (always, never, hate, divorce);
- Expecting him to read your mind.
You and your husband need to set productive ground rules for fairer fights:
Establish a proper time and place to hash things out, then limit the discussion to one topic. No dredging up old issues.
Express your emotions calmly. It's better to say, "I felt angry when you did this" than to rip his head off and scream down his neck.
Validate his feelings. He has a right to them, just as you have a right to yours. Rather than responding, "I can't believe you feel that way!" consider, "I may not understand your pain, but I'm sorry I caused it."
Remember that a winner doesn't need to emerge from every disagreement. With unity as your main goal, agree to disagree when necessary without letting it dampen the relationship.
Conflict isn't a bad thing. The important issue is making sure you handle it in a healthy way. In other words, communicate calmly, seek to understand, strive toward unity, and come out intimately connected. Then you'll remain Mrs. Right rather than Mrs. Always-Has-to-Be-Right.
His Higher Libido
Q. "My husband wants sex a lot more often than I do. Why can't he just be happy with once a week like normal people?"
A. Newsflash Each person's sexuality is as unique as their fingerprint, so there's no such thing as "normal" when it comes to the human sex drive.
Many men think about sex dozens of times a day, and that's just before lunch. This doesn't make them animals, but merely healthy, high-functioning sexual males. These men spell love "s-e-x." Physical connection equals relational security. Lack of physical connection equals relational insecurity. This is just how God wired men, and women hold tremendous power to affirm their husband's sexuality rather than make them feel abnormal. As one wife sympathized, "If I don't clean, he can hire a maid. If I don't cook, he can go to McDonald's. But if I don't meet his sexual needs, where can he go?"
Originally published in: Today's Christian Woman, 2009, March/April, Vol. 31, Issue 2, Page 16
Related Topics:
Marriage, sex, Sex Differences, sex drive
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nicole
hey mili. my husband does not have the same sex drive as me either. he is happy with about once a week. he doesnt even bring it up. it makes me insecure. i was always more sexually active than my friends that i can remember. he was never sexually active in his life. but i know he loves me and it is a distressful situation sometimes. ive learned not to bring it up because it discourages him.
Anonymous
We went through a stage in our marriage when I wanted it more than he did, but things change and sometimes you just have to pray that the Lord be with you through these stages. I bet if you really think back, there were times that he wanted to more than you. Think how he must have felt because sex to men is so much more important and means something different than to women.
jeanie
I too was the more interested partner. I tried many things to get him interested--yes, including getting naked--but he said he didn't need sex with me because watching porn was good enough for him. I'd much rather have had the problem of him wanting me more often. Eventually, I gave up and filed for divorce.
Edith
It is true that when it comes to sex there is no delegation otherwise once either spouse searches for sexual fulfilment outside the home, there is trouble, very big trouble.
Casey
I have been married for 20 years and I don't think my husband has been satisfied with our sex life since we had a child 15 years ago. Husbands are like spoiled little boys. They want it all or will have a temper trantrum and walk around sulking. They want their wives to work a full time job to bring home an income, take care of the children 24/7 and keep up with all the house chores. Then when you are too tired for sex or not in the mood, they just don't understand. It's all about them. I'm sure God never intended for sex to be treated this way in a marriage.
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