Jump directly to the content

College Guide

Search by Name

 

Or use:
advanced search to search by major, region, cost, affiliation, enrollment, & more!

Scripture Search
NLT Study Bible
Sponsored by Tyndale

Fighting Fair

My husband accuses me of using drama queen tactics. How can I handle our arguments better?

There are no previous pages

 1 of 2


ADVERTISEMENT

Fighting Fair

Q. "My husband accuses me of not fighting fair and using 'drama queen' tactics. How can I handle our arguments better, so he doesn't get so wounded and mad at me?"

A. In the midst of a heated debate, my husband once declared, "Shannon, you'd make a great lawyer!" It wasn't a compliment. Sadly, he recognized that winning was far more important to me than understanding his feelings. 

Learning to fight fair is one of the best ways we can show respect for each other. The goal of any disagreement should be to understand each other's feelings and strive toward an amiable compromise. With that goal in mind, let's consider …

9 Below-the-belt Tactics to Avoid:
  1. Dragging others into the argument ("Well, my mom says …");
  2. Giving the silent treatment;
  3. Yelling or crying to get your way;
  4. Spewing destructive criticism ("You suck the joy out of everything!");
  5. Using sarcasm;
  6. Issuing threats and ultimatums;
  7. Getting defensive;
  8. Using buzz words (always, never, hate, divorce);
  9. Expecting him to read your mind.

You and your husband need to set productive ground rules for fairer fights:

Establish a proper time and place to hash things out, then limit the discussion to one topic. No dredging up old issues.

Express your emotions calmly. It's better to say, "I felt angry when you did this" than to rip his head off and scream down his neck. 

Validate his feelings. He has a right to them, just as you have a right to yours. Rather than responding, "I can't believe you feel that way!" consider, "I may not understand your pain, but I'm sorry I caused it."

Remember that a winner doesn't need to emerge from every disagreement. With unity as your main goal, agree to disagree when necessary without letting it dampen the relationship.

Conflict isn't a bad thing. The important issue is making sure you handle it in a healthy way. In other words, communicate calmly, seek to understand, strive toward unity, and come out intimately connected. Then you'll remain Mrs. Right rather than Mrs. Always-Has-to-Be-Right.

His Higher Libido

Q. "My husband wants sex a lot more often than I do. Why can't he just be happy with once a week like normal people?"

A. Newsflash Each person's sexuality is as unique as their fingerprint, so there's no such thing as "normal" when it comes to the human sex drive. 

Many men think about sex dozens of times a day, and that's just before lunch. This doesn't make them animals, but merely healthy, high-functioning sexual males. These men spell love "s-e-x." Physical connection equals relational security. Lack of physical connection equals relational insecurity. This is just how God wired men, and women hold tremendous power to affirm their husband's sexuality rather than make them feel abnormal. As one wife sympathized, "If I don't clean, he can hire a maid. If I don't cook, he can go to McDonald's. But if I don't meet his sexual needs, where can he go?" 

next page... |

There are no previous pages

 1 of 2



Related Topics:
Marriage, sex, Sex Differences, sex drive

More from Shannon Ethridge:
Kyria.com | Books

Join the Kyria.com Community!

Become a member to have access to this article, plus:

Join Now

downloadable guides

Prayer and Meditation
Prayer and Meditation
Cultivating a deeper relationship with God.

Ministering to Working Women
How your women's ministry can better meet the needs of women who work outside the home.

Browse More Guides

User Reviews

Average User Rating: 


Displaying 1 - 3 of 48 reivews.

See all comments

March 26, 2009 1:42 PM
JD
"Once a week like normal people"? That would be heaven for me. Once every month and a half is lucky for me, and that's under strict control. John has my wife down pat - "Well, that's just not me, so too bad." What's the good Christian husband to do? I don't know - I gave up a long time ago....



March 29, 2009 6:12 PM
Nina
I have the same problem as Mili. People think it's always men who want more sex... what a woman can do if she needs sex once a week and her husband just needs it once a month? That's my situation here. We decided to break up just for this after 4 years of loving and supporting eachother emotionally. Seems there's no physical spark between us. I feel a lot more for him than he for me, though. I'm beautiful and intelligent and he admits it too, but it just doesn't work. And when it doesn't work for a man, it means there won't be no sex, no matter what. Never seen an article which can give me a clue why.



March 26, 2009 2:41 PM
Jess
I feel like in my marriage that this has gone back and forth and there have been times I had to realize I wasn't showing my husband enough physical attention and vice versa. Sometimes, as the article has pointed out, that just touching him and getting back into it was enough to remind me.



Rate & Comment on this article:

Choose star rating:  

Low High
Name: 

1000 character limitComments:


member center

Login

 

forgot password? | join

free newsletters

shopping